Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Where the Fug is Suri?

Tonight we all discussed where the fug Baby Suri is. I said I was torn. There's a 50% chance she doesn't exist and there's a 50% chance she has a disfiguring disorder. Everyone concurred. Or maybe she is simply the Scientologist's version of "Rosemary's Baby" and has horns, cloven hooves, and/or L. Ron Hubbard eyes. Tough to disguise in "Celebs: They're Just Like Us!" It's pretty clear that everyone who comes in close, personal contact with Tom Cruise is forced to sign a waiver promising they will forevermore speak nothing but well-chosen, scripted words about him in public. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that all the well-known Scientologists have stepped forward with their supposed "beautiful baby" sightings. For the past almost-year I have been following this story, and now that I'm actually living in LA I feel so close to figuring it all out. Yet so far away.


  1. Puhleeze - everyone knows Oprah had his baby. Didn't you see how much weight she gained?

  2. The baby has beautiful frappuccino skin...seems like she was drinking something from Starbucks in every one of her maternity shots...

  3. Here's my theory. That kid is SO f***Ing beautiful that anyone who even looks at it is incinerated on site because of its beauty. Luckily, the Scientoligists have cloned Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes long ago for just such an eventuality.

    My other theory is that that guy who just confessed to killing Jon Bonet Ramsey did it for a free plane ticket home from Bangkok. You read it here first. That guy is as innocent as Sacco and Vanzetti.


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