as in...i just don't really do it anymore. the hell? sure, i lie down in bed every night and i close my eyes and eventually fall asleep. but soon i'll wake up to use the bathroom and then lie awake for a long time before falling asleep again for another hour or so, wake up, rinse repeat, rinse repeat. the only way i can sleep for stretches longer than an hour is by knocking myself out with tylenol pm but i always feel groggy the next morning and need too much caffeine to function and it sort of feels like cheat sleep anyways, like it didn't really count. i've never been a good sleeper - ask anyone who's had the great fortune to parent and/or share a room with me - but things have reached an all-time low. someone once told me at night it sounded like i was wrestling with an alligator. it's a full swamp now.
so right now i'm trying an experiment. it's 3:09 (edited at 4:19) in the a.m. and i'm not even a little bit sleepy. i'm going to stay up until i'm genuinely exhausted, so exhausted i don't have the energy to feel nauseous about work, so exhausted i don't need any tricks (pretending i live on 'frontier house') to make me fall asleep, i just do it and it's nice and peaceful and maybe i dream but nothing too scary/vivid/memorable, maybe it's about cupcakes?, and i wake up and it's lightly drizzling and we go eat some brunch and then buy some things at ikea.