I kind of can't believe I'm showing you this

But...behold the bump:


Yesterday marked the end of my 12th week. Today starts my 13th. I GET TO FEEL BETTER NOW, RIGHT?!

People don't believe me when I say I already have a bump so early, but as you can see...I ain't lying. And yes, I promise, there is only one bean in there. I just have an overachieving uterus or something.

Been home on the East Coast, swimming and reading and eating peanut butter fudge, so apologies for the light posting. Flying back tomorrow, more then!

I think it has my eyes

Baby person jumping bean buddy has been confirmed! Bam!

I was pretty nervous when I wrote my previous post, but then I drank so much water (to fill my bladder, an ultrasound requirement) and had to pee so bad, I could think of nothing else but waterfalls and garden hoses and slip and slides. I was in cereal pain, people.

We sat in the little room together, waiting while the technician rubbed jelly all over my tum (not as cold as I thought?) and started PUSHING DOWN ON MY BLADDER WITH ALL HER MIGHT.

I tried to remember we were here to see the baby, dammit, but it was hard.

Until! Up on the corner-mounted TV screen (this place was kinda fance) a little HUMAN appeared! Friend? Friend! I kept my cool (didn't want to pee my pants in public), but felt a huge weight off my shoulders as soon as I saw the little guy/doll. Like, finally it's real and I can finally relax (a little). I knew I was pregnant, but I guess I thought there was maybe a grapefruit inside instead of a baby? It's so surreal to see it suddenly, in black and white, this little person that's been making me gag and heave and fall asleep on the sidewalk. I suddenly felt a lot less bitter. I suddenly felt really happy.

I'm officially at 11 weeks, 2 days today; happily in my 12th week and cruising along to my 2nd trimester. Everything looks great and the heartbeat (best song since Gimme Shelter) is strong at 170 bpm. Our bean's a real jumping bean, flailing his/her little arms (two!) and legs (two!) around. Swoon.

And now! Without further adieu.

Our buddy!

(And, incidentally, my uterus. Would you like to meet my liver next time?)

He/she's waving hey! (Arm behind the head, poking out.) Nom nom nom!

Jelly on the belly

I’ve done pretty well up until this morning, not hyperventilating about the ultrasound, and the fact we may realize our baby has three heads or twelve ears. But now it’s only a few hours away and the anxiety is ramping up. I need to be running laps right now, not sitting at desk, adding serial commas to bad sentences.

It must have been so simple in the frontier days, no? You get knocked up, you throw up, you get fat, you have a baby. None of these blood test and sound wave test milestones to reach before we can feel okay. Then again, they had their babies in the field and continued to pick potatoes five minutes later – so I won’t complain.

Send the Cowan clan some happy, one-headed vibes? Thank ye.

I won't lie

I'm wearing maternity clothes now. Not all maternity all the time, but jeans with an elastic band? Check! Bella band? Check! Magical shirts that look normal but have some sort of magic hide-the-tum powers? Check!

I was starting to feel sheepish about it, until my trusty website thing that tells me what I should be feeling each week and where my baby's eyeballs are positioned on a day-to-day basis, told me "You might have to start wearing maternity clothes this week!" -- so I will stop hanging my head.

There appear to be tons of ladies out there who didn't show until their 16th week, or didn't gain weight until the middle of their 2nd trimester or something, and to them I say -- nobody can eat 50 eggs.

So that we're not completely sleep deprived BEFORE the baby comes

Anyone got some sleeping-through-the-night-tips for me? Not "for me" like, to help my baby in six months, "for me" like ME NOW YESTERDAY. This isn't a new topic around here. I've been a terrible sleeper my whole life. But it's worse, people - so much worse.

I can't go more than an hour without peeing, and it's not the urge I felt before. (Urge is a terrible word.) Because before when I really tried, I could shut it off and force myself back to sleep. And when I finally gave in, a very small, thimble-sized amount would exit my person.

But now? Now it's like a train is pushing down on my bladder, zooming into the station once an hour, on the hour. And when I go - I GO. I have no idea where it's coming from, and I'm sorry that I feel the need to tell you so much about my urine flow right now, but there you are.

So there's that.

Then there's the heat factor. I've always been a hot sleeper. My feets are especially sensitive. No socks, no footsie, no nothing. I actually require my feet to stick out the bottom of the blankets at all times. I'm diseased. But now that heat is kicked up like forty eleven notches. My eyeballs feel sweaty and I cannot cool down fast enough. And of course once I get cool enough to relax, it's time to pee again.

Did you think I was done?

I also wake up ravenously hungry at least twice in the night. As in, if you put a full Thanksgiving dinner in front of me, I'd eat three plates and then ask for a slice of pumpkin. But what in the hellz am I going to whip up in the middle of the night? And why does our baby think I'm bulking up to make weight for the next fight? I've already gained five pounds. No mas!

I have to turn my head in shame every morning when it's time for Clay to get up for work. Because I'm a sleep robber and he busted me and I need to do my time, people.

So. Tips? Thoughts? Therapy? Bueller? Mom?

Why today is good

1) I woke up around 4 AM (after waking up at 1 AM, 2 AM, and 3 AM already) to pee, and decided to stop worrying about the blue cheese poison.

2) I cut my fingernails before work. I hate doing it, but I love myself afterwards. So crisp and clean and un-scratchy.

3) Cute outfit!

4) Michaela is flying in for work and her work just happens to take place IN MY OFFICE.

5) I made myself a cup of coffee. Well, mostly really hot milk with a splash of coffee. But it tastes like Christmas morning in a mug.

6) Not Monday!

7) Gagged about 12,000 times before bed last night, but this morning is feeling good.

8) My hair is clean.

9) Jordan, Jesse, Go! in my ears.

10) String cheese.

I thought writing about pregnancy would be a lot easier?

I've been obsessed with reading about other people's nine months for as long as I can remember and I thought the words would just spill as soon as I announced my own. But it's weird. I have so many different takes on the whole thing that the thoughts just pile on top of each other and soon it's cluttered and crazy and I can only make a joke about feeling chubby.

So I write all these posts and then delete them because they sound crazy or boring or maybe it's just the hormones judging?

And now I overcome my OCD and post something anyways:

The past few days I've had a huge tummy and mood improvement. I even went shopping (my least favorite chore next to giving blood or riding a plane or drinking aspartame or talking on the phone) and bought all the clothes in San Francisco. I now have oodles of lovely, stretchy things to choose from, cutting way down on all those morning pre-work tears.

Yesterday was our anniversary - what up one year?! (It was a very good one.) We played it low key and lovely -- a little outdoor time, some crucial couching, and then whipped up scrumpchy steaks and heirloom tomatoes. (And Point Reyes blue cheese, which I've since googled about 74k times, convinced I've maimed my baby because of soft cheese bacteria demons.)

We were maybe going to eat out, but all I could think about was this super specific taste sensation; we figured it was safer to do it ourselves than risk it in the hands of amateurs. Also (obnoxious statement approaching) – tough to beat our view. We wrapped up the night with a little SVU on the telly, then *insert joke about sex crimes of our own*.

I had such a good weekend, I didn’t even remember I was supposed to be upset about returning to work the next day until 11 PM.

Unprecedented!

I ate lasagna for breakfast

Because I could and because I woke up at 3 AM thinking about ricotta. It was a very long five hours till breakfast.

And in full disclosure, I also bought a bagel with cream cheese while walking from car to work, because if more than two hours pass between feedings...are you familiar with that dramatic fake puking sound people make when they don't like something? I make that sound for real, just kinda hanging out at my desk.

I just wrapped up two really bad sick days. I'd been feeling semi-cocky, like I was mostly done with all this heaving nonsense by 9.5 weeks, but sweet Jeebs I was wrong. Lucky for Clay, he was in LA Wednesday night, while I writhed on the couch and shook my fist at the pot belly.

But I have high hopes for today.

Stop laughing!

In other news, I saw this old episode of CSI: Vegas (the only CSI, if you know what's good for you) about this crazy pregnant lady on a shooting spree. At one point, they zoom in on Warrick's (R.I.P.) face, who says, completely deadpan:

"A pregnant lady with a gun?! GET THAT WOMAN OFF THE STREETS."

That pretty much plays in a constant loop in my head -- just swap out "gun" for "car" and he really nailed it.

My belly and I thank you

For all your lovely yays and happy thoughts! It's really a huge relief to finally talk about all this with my Internets; I kept sitting down to blog and I couldn't think of anything other than MY TUMMY HURTS MY HEAD POUNDS MY EYES ARE SLEEPY I WANT A NECTARINE. So I'd just sign off and watch some Murder She Wrote instead. Angela got me through some really rough nights.

So yeah! I'm knocked up!

I've got a lot to say on the subject, but I'll just answer a couple questions quickly, the ones that seem to leap to people's minds first.

Was it planned? Yes.

How have I felt? Terrible. Also: awful, miserable, angsty, and beside myself.

Oh no! So you're not excited? We're super excited. I just feel like I've been poisoned by a mean poisoner. So it's hard to stay chipper sometimes. But yes! We're happy dappy clams.

Will you find out if it's a boy or girl? Of course.

Do you think it's a boy or a girl? Leaning boy.

Did you KNOW before you KNEW? Everyone asks this and I'm not exactly sure what it means, but sure - before I tested, I felt a little dizzy and there was an absence of other symptoms I usually get around that time. We'd also worked it OUT for about 10 days in a row (sorry, oh squeamish ones, but I think we all know how tiny people are made), so this was no surprise situation.

How far along are you? 10.5 weeks. Week from Friday we get to see our first pic of the little buddy. Huzzah!

Much more to come, pals. Back to work.

Oh look! I remembered!

Bam!

The rumors be true; BJA is growing a tiny person.

Baby C makes the scene in February. Nom nom nom!

Some new things about me

1) Apparently I like country music now. I end up listening to it now for the majority of my drive into work. Help? And I'm sorry.

2) I also really like (love/lust/marry me) fruit. I want to inhale it. Peaches and cherries and grapes and melons and grapefruits and nectarines. Like, I'll choose these things over chocolate or cake. What the who am I?

3) Then there’s water! I hate the stuff! OR SO I THOUGHT. Now I can’t get enough. I pass up juice and soda and tea and all other delights to guzzle icy, plain, watery water.

4) And there was something else that’s new about me I wanted to talk about. But I guess it slipped my mind.

It’s a big one, too! Hmm...wait! No, no…it’s…gone.

Hopefully I’ll remember soon?

I just discovered

The vending machine at work. And oh my Jeebus. It doesn't just have chips and gum and Pop Tarts and sodas. It...it has... ICE CREAM. Specifically STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE BARS. One small flight of stairs away lives a treasure trove of artificially flavored goodness.

I ate (inhaled) one today while I typed with one finger and couldn't stop grinning like a fool. It took all the strength I had not to buy a second. In the end, the stairs won.

Christie, this is for you

Because I know I'd have DONE LOST MY MIND by now if I were stuck inside with three kids while Noah's Ark happened outside, I'm going to do a quick post for you. (And my other friends. Hi! I'm not dead!)

So last Saturday night, Clay, out of the blue, says: Let's go to the Moss Beach tidepools tomorrow!"
I had no idea what these were, but anytime he wants to do an activity involving THE OUTSIDE I consider it a miracle, and so I said yes without hesitation.

Turns out they're the cutest things ever. Seals sleeping all over the rocks, warm water, pink and purple flowers, orange starfish, fresh air, wet feet, yes!

A few pics before I run to work.



I don't know how this outfit happened. I called it my religious cult uniform. People stared.



Humming to a snail to make it pop out and say hi. It works!

Sorry, crabby. But you prolly were pretty tasty.

Stud muffin.

I don't remember what this was, but it must have been awesome.

Starfish! I don't think he was supposed to pick that up. But I had to let him, you see. He does NOT like getting his hands dirty/wet/salty, so it had to be remembered.

I want.

Where do I sign the lease?