Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Words on a wednesday

Oh hey, fingers crossed but... if all works out, we'll be moving into a new pad on December One. Joy! I always feel nervous till the lease is signed and all that (we're in the paperwork phase right now), but tentatively, cautiously excited. It's a really unique place and I really can't wait to get my bum in it. But! Trying not to count chickens yada yada yada.

Should help with the general malaise I've got grooving. I'm happy pants to be back on this coast and excited for things to come, but also in this weird zone I haven't been in since Before Baby days. The past two years, Harper's completely occupied my whole everything -- but now that she's more and more independent (sob, but also yay?) (and also who am I kidding -- she's still 100% dependent on me, she can just... talk and stuff), I find myself thinking about goals with a capital G. Semi obsessively.

And then beating myself up because I haven't accomplished them yet or worry I never will accomplish them or stress because there's really no way to accomplish them while being a SAHM (which I'm committed to being) and wanting more babies. What a completely weird limbo space to be in. Knowing I'm doing what I want to be doing, but wanting a bit more, but not really being able to do it.

Because isn't there a way to live parallel lives? Haven't they cracked that time machine code yet? Where I'm off training to be a yoga teacher in one plane, writing a book in another, having 12 babies in a third; And somehow aware and mindful in each state, appreciating how rad it is I'm getting to live up to my potential (that's in heavy quotes), but also raising chickens in the backyard and knitting an afghan while I breastfeed?

I compare myself to other bloggers who live seemingly flawless and accomplished lives. With etsy shops and beautiful shoes and puppy dogs and master degrees. I compare myself to writers and artists and actors and business people and friends and enemies. I compare and compare and envy and fret and come up zero. Because oh my. Once you start thinking the grass is greener or smarter or prettier, you start to lose. Lose your mind, your grounding, your groove.

Because oh, I know (some of the time, when I've just finished my yoga or I'm drinking my tea and doing a crossword or biting Harper's cheeks and holding her hands) it's all a matter of yet. Not being able to do it all yet. This right now, these hours and days and months, these are my hardcore mothering days. These are the days Harper needs me needs me needs me and these days won't roll around again. They won't be waiting for me later, in a patient pond of things to dip into, like the other wants I want to do. This is it and I have to own it. And I am. It just takes a second to get back there sometimes.


8 comments:

  1. Oh my, you just said a mouthful there, lady. I know exactly what you mean: the wanting everything, the danger in comparing, and most of all, the patience. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming and you feel like you're going to run out of time.
    BUT you've got the right perspective on the whole game. I hope it gets easier to get there.

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  2. i can smell what the rock is cookin' in your kitchen, my dear. i too compare myself to other peeps... and i get bummed sometimes...and then i feel guilty for comparing and feeling bummed b/c i have it pretty good. oh well. let's go to the gap and buy ourselves a nice leather bag for xmas, shall we? xoxo.

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  3. Genius post. I want to take quotes from it and, I don't know, cross stitch them on pillows or something. (And then start my own Etsy shop? HA!) But you made some really good points and I feel a lot of the same circular thinking. I also arrive at the same conclusion that you do.

    I think about my frustrations in my SAHM gig, esp now that I'm on around the clock, no clear stretch of me time whatsoever, but the thought of hiring more babysitting help and going back to work, even if it a dream job of writing novels or something? That's not what I want. I want my "difficult" life with limited me-time. Because it's short term and (apologies for the word I'm about to use) precious and mine for the taking. So I take it.

    What do you do about the comparing? Quit reading certain blogs? Take a break from them? Just curious...

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  4. Part of me wants to say - situation calls for some Brazilian music and a big, cleansing yoga breath but that sounds a lot like something a, I don't know, mom!!, would say. And the other part of me says - I know exactly what you mean lady!! One thing I do know - it'll pass and all'll fall into place.

    As far as the comparing goes - who are these flawless bloggers?? Put 'em aside for a bit. Reading blogs is supposed to be a happy exercise.

    So all's I can say is, don't underestimate the stress and knock-on effects of a big x-country move. Feeling a bit up in the air seems just about right, naturally followed by big taking stock, asking Life questions which is not a bad thing minus the stressy bit.

    And early congrats on the new place - can't wait to see future posts on deco choices :)

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  5. Bravo. You've hit on it exactly, that weird liminal space...feeling torn in several directions, yet not wanting to be 100% in any of them because you need to be right where you are.

    And, who are we kidding, because we want to be right where we are...it's just so tempting to compare and want...and want...and want.

    LVdtw is right on: it will all fall into place.

    Now that I'm back working (and it's only part-time!), I wish for those days where I was an exclusively SAHM, yet am anticipating starting an actual meaningful career.

    so glad we share so many feelings and that you can see all those perspectives (and share them with us, who, on just this day, needed some reminding). xo

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  6. That's why they give work horses blinders: just put yours back on until the road comes to a divide.

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  7. Wow - thanks, everyone, for your kind y thoughtful comments!

    Good to know I'm not alone in my feelings -- though wish ya'll were closer so we could talk it out/hug it out!

    Addressing specific stuff:

    @mic: I miss that bag everyday.

    @Nav: It's nutty how same we are with this stuff -- I actually don't WANT real help because then I feel disconnected from her and even weirder in my own skin. But then I'm like "no time for me!" and then and then...you get it.
    In terms of comparing, I tend to take a break from the blogs that are bumming me out. Unfollow on Twitter. Make lists in my head of things they could be dealing with that I can't see.. Accept it's really just a small snapshot I'm seeing and that in real life they could be super boring to talk to and smell weird. Etc.

    @LVD - Brazilian music and yoga yes please! You are so spot on with this move being a big deal. And big deals, big transitions make things feel bumpy even if they're good changes! It's hard to remember. I look forward to more therapy in your delicious apartment. ;)

    @Mandy: Thank you for admitting you've got the wants, too, even tho I think you've got a pretty enviable set-up ;) We WILL meet up one of these days, over tea and gluten free pumpkin pie, while our ladies play chiropractor.

    @Dad: Intense, but true.

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  8. To one of the bravest, boldest women I've ever know. Reading this today (of all days) helped me get thru a whooper, because as things in the office came crashing down, I took a peak at that beautiful little lady of yours and it made me smile. It is always greener, but we're all just being who we are in the moment we're living in, there is always another day.

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