blue jean amy

Sunday

2012-02-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

How'd it get to Sunday again? Time is moving fast lately.

So my back is on the mend, mostly better save for some residual soreness/tenderness/fragility. As Harps says: "Sore bum! Oooo hot!" Because I've always got a heated bag on it. I'm also hot, obvs. cc was able to work from home on Friday, which eased the day along, and I did a lot of Advil and lying flat and heat. (It's just too much to do ice in the winter, ah.)

And I cried a lot about my birthday. KIDDING. If I worried you with my aging worries, don't worry -- I'm just a lady in touch with the bittersweetness of life moving along. Glad I'm not stuck at 18 (I am MUCH HAPPIER now, oh boy I am), I think it's just important to breathe in the changes and accept that it's something to get older. Not bad. Just something.

We had a good weekend, laying low after our busy one last. Got a lot done around the house. (I feel like I'm always saying this, which would have freaked out 18-year-old me. Why in the hell is there always so much to do in a house? Meh. It's not that bad, Former Me.) Took shifts with Harps so we each got some extra sleeps. Ate ice cream, watched PBS kids in the wee hours, went swimming, met a potential mom pal at the library, read books in the pink beanbag, folded lots of cloth napkins.

Oh and I also had an eye doc appointment. I've been without contacts for months on end because, well, I've been too lazy to get that changed. (Also health insurance hassles.) In the middle of the appointment, the doc's all: "So, did you do vision therapy as a child? You know -- wear a patch and stuff?" ... Excuse me?

Apparently (and no one has ever caught this before, which kind of sucks) my left eye is lazy. Lazy, I tell ya! Sorry for the outburst. I always thought "lazy" meant wandering, but that's only one way it can manifest. With milder forms like mine, you wouldn't know unless your vision is tested. (And then your mild, but weird symptoms make sense.) In my case, my right eye does most of the work and somewhere along the way my left eye took a vacay. I mean, it works and I use it, but it doesn't do enough. Or something.

I guess no matter how strong the prescription, I can never see 20/20 out of it, which explains a lot. Why every doctor gives my left eye a different prescription, trying to get me to see out of it and always failing. To me, my left eye is way worse (it's always blurry and out of focus) and I chalked it up to... bad contacts/glasses for the past, oh, 20 years. But I guess the prescription for my left is the same as my right?! Mind blown. And since depth perception is affected, it also explains why I always run into the left side of door frames. Over and over. Sorry, shoulder. Lazy eye!

I was semi-frantic to the guy. "Should I wear a patch?!" (It's a good way to make friends as the new mom.) And I guess it's too late for all that. But he gave me some exercises to do, probably just to appease me. Clay has been teasing me for caring, but blergh! So annoyed! My eye doesn't work right and no one caught it. Blergh!

None of that was interesting to anyone but my parents, probably. Sorry.

Oh, but! There's always Harper in a cowboy hat:

It's Friday morning and I'm

2012-02-10T03:53:00.000-08:00

She has better form than I do, no joke.

Sitting next to Harper, who's eating watermelon for breakfast. Which she requested by yelling "WA-MELON!!!!!!!!!!!!" We're sort of in a phase this week where things are requested via screams? Working on that.

Dreading her two-year appointment happening around 10. No shots, but there will be a finger prick and in my experience, that's often worse. (Picture a gushing finger, no tolerance for a band-aid, confused and terrified over where it's coming from...But maybe an additional 12 months of maturity will help ease that?)

Figuring out how I'mma make it through today with my back thrown out. I did something yesterday and it is bad. The actual injury is on my left flank (ew) and left lower back, but I woke up early early morning with my entire back in painful spasms. cc had me get out of bed and lie on the floor for awhile (could this have been a ploy to get the bed to himself mmmmm) and it did help release the non-injured parts of my back. So my right side is feeling okay now. But left side? Send help. Have a feeling I'm about to realize just how frequently I pick up my lady.

Realizing I'm going to be 30 a week from today. I alternate between feeling a warm "this will be great!" and sobbing in the car.

Eating 4 Trader Joe's Donut O's. And they didn't even give me a tum ache? I'll blame that on the "healthy" ingredient list. (Who makes donut holes with whole wheat flour?) (I don't know, but it works and they are delicious.)

Looking forward to naptime when I'll start another Inspector Lewis. Thanks to my mom, who had to break up my Midsomer Murders habit a bit, I'm in the flush of new obsession. Especially with that lanky James Hathaway fellow. Why again am I dreading 30? I was born 90.

Reheating my tea for the first time. It'll take at least 2 more tries before it gets finished.

Happy weekend, loves. My frozen back and I wish you funz.

A little party for my little lady

2012-02-09T04:03:00.000-08:00

I've got a few minutes here, while HJ is watching Curious George and trying to eat a crayon. (She may be 2, but she's still a nut.)

Last weekend, we threw HJ a cozy brunch party at my mum's house to celebrate the big 0-2. I made quiches and salads and cinnamon rolls and a couple cakes and we popped balloons and opened presents and played with new toys and watched the big kids put on many "parades" and smiled a bunch.

Here's what it looked like:

Harps and cousin Libs focus on the dollhouse.

Must...not...break...contact...

Opening presents, surrounded by the cousins.

Vintage toys rule.

You want to hire me, right?

Showing Big Grammy her new stuff.

And this, Ben, is how the farmer gets down.

My best, best girl and me.

Thanks for keeping me company while I do this whole mama thing with my biscuit. Onto year #3! <3

My big girl is two

2012-02-06T18:55:00.001-08:00

When I'm not typing on a phone, I'll say more -- but for now, Harper J turned two and it was fun and she's such a smart cookie bumble nut.

Also, how sweet is this pic of Harps eating birthday cake for breakfast while my Gram reads her a book (in a pink bathrobe)? They'd been reading together on the couch when H spotted the cake and wanted a little. She scooted up on the chair, then called over: "Read a book, Big Grammy, please? Again?" Be still.

Kitchen

2012-02-01T03:06:00.000-08:00

Harps and I had a big cleaning day yesterday. Our whole house is hardwoods (good for an asthma bum like me), but that means major sweeping and vacuuming. It's one chore (can adults call them chores?) I don't really mind, because I love watching all those Cheerio crumbs get sucksucked up, but it's still hard to keep on top of. To get our kind-of-huge bedroom done yesterday, I had to uncover my pile of cheapy Target necklaces and a box of Q-tips to keep her occupied while I heaved and hoed.

And we did laundry and put away clothes and swiped some sinks and the like. But then we came downstairs, and the whole hub of everything, the first thing anyone sees when they walk inside, was crazy messy. My kitchen. And I just couldn't face it yet.

So we went to the park instead. Then we came home and rested. Then we had music class. And by the time we came home, it was almost time to make dinner and the dishes were still filling the sink (and my counters). So I rolled up my sleeves, handed her a bowl of frozen blueberries, and got to work.

Of course, it only took about 10 or 15 minutes. And it was actually kind of soothing. And she "helped" and it made the evening chug along. So why had I waited so long? Why do I always make the kitchen clean-up my personal Everest?

The tough thing, in my defense, is the kitchen is right under her bedroom. So I really can't click and clack during nap or ni'ni' or she'll...let me know. She's got white noise going, so I can heat up food and do some light work in there, but not like big pan washing or lots of banging around. Plus, after a super long day and after cooking dinner, it's 8:00 and I am not in the mood to do more work. Usually, I do the bare minimum: Put up the food, gather up the dirty dishes from around the house, toss old food into the trash, maybe do a quick sweep. But a real clean? No.

So! What do you guys do? How do you stay ahead of the kitchen? Am I alone in my terror of oatmeal-crusted bowls? It's okay if you find my methods horrifying and think I'm hopeless. (But please pretend to convince me otherwise?) xo

A good and simple one

2012-01-29T18:36:00.001-08:00

Nothing crazy awesome rad woah sauce happened or anything, but we had a good weekend in the hobbit house. It's Sunday night and I feel ready for the week ahead and my house is lookin' pretty good and I'm pretty well-rested and cc and I are tiredpunchy at the dining room table together.

Case in point?

Anywho.

Harps was in a really good mood and slept well, cc took the early morning shift on Saturday and I lazed under the covers, we had lots of good food in the cupboards, Jones and dada went swimming and gave me some solo time, and we got a bunch of stuff done -- pesky errands (oh, like a birth certificate application for her TWO YEARS LATER I'M AN AWESOME MOM WOOT) and chores around the house.

Harps is still a solid independent player (will read her books, wander around playing with our shoes and bags, piddle in her kitchen, draw for long stretches), but she definitely needs more planned activities these days. Like right now, she is completely obsessed with having a "Tea party please!" and so I heat up the water and make her a brew (in her own little blue pot) with decaf and agave and milk. She chugs it so happily.

And then we took out the pack 'n play (reinstated when we moved into this house while we got everything super toddler proofed and worked thru the sleep issues...) and got her bed situation all cozy. She was thrilled. And I felt guilty for keeping her away from the place she can hoard every single one of her stuffed animals at once.

cc and I used naptimes and nighttimes to have a bit of a Law and Order: Criminal Intent binge. What was life like before Netflix streaming? Sad, if I remember correctly.

And tonight felt just like cozy Sunday evenings of my childhood. (Before I dreaded Mondays starting at age, oh, 11.) Think it was the smell of spaghetti and veggies cooking downstairs (thanks for slingin' the pots and pans, cc!) while Harps and I worked upstairs on making up our bed with fresh sheets and smooth blankies (Hudson Bay, marry me), grooving to The Mamas and Papas and Petula Clark, and smoochin'.

And now, and now... said bed awaits us. Ni' ni!

A few miscellaneous thoughts on motherhood

2012-01-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

1) This is what I look like after a 14 hour toddler day during H's bath. I'm not sad, I'm not particularly overjoyed, I'm just...tired. cc will catch me in this mode and say "What's wrong?" and I can only answer... "Nothing. I'm just tired." To the bone, yo.

2) I've really embraced Middle Way/mix-and-match parenting as I approach the 2 year mark. Meaning? I used to be super... pure when it came to things like breastfeeding and cloth diapers. As in, all or nothing. If I used a disposable, I felt actual guilt and felt the need to justify it. And formula? No. The 10 months she let me nurse her, she never tasted it. Once again, I felt like I'd be cheating at...something.

So even tho at 5 months in, my soul was crying out for a break (nips all busted up, hadn't slept more than an hour in months), I wouldn't let myself even entertain the thought of bottles and powder. Even tho the thought of it sounded so utterly restful. Of course it's complicated, because ultimately I'm glad I stuck with it and did grow to love it -- but there was no reason I couldn't have taken a break here and there with some Similac. (Which, by the by, Harper adored once she pushed my boobs out of the picture for good. Like, she thought it was candy.)

But then a bunch of shit happened in our lives. And I realized all these little details -- diapers and milk and pacifiers -- don't really matter all that much in the big scheme. All these tiny people will grow up to be big people who eat grilled cheese and drink beer and won't be walking around "Oh hey! My mom was an Attachment Parent and never let me cry it out and I don't know who Elmo is. Wanna go out sometime?" Oof.

No one that matters will care how you handle the details, as long as your baby is healthy and happy and well cared for. And many, many different routes can accomplish that. Obvious maybe, but I just didn't see it that way a year ago. I beat myself up when I had to give up cloth for long stretches. I had so much other stuff to do suddenly, but felt like a failure because I was having to use disposables. When I let Harper start watching a little TV here and there, I could barely swallow for all the guilt. If non-organic food slipped past her lips, I felt a pang of worry about the future of her intestinal tract. It was exhausting.

So then I got some no joke perspective. And I started to loosen up a little, sometimes a lot. I adopted more of a 85/15 policy with my food stuff and my TV stuff and, really, all the stuff. Life is nutty and hard and weird enough without random rules thrown at me by, uh, me. Of course everyone's version of 85/15 is different, which is why the world is fun.

Right now, I use a pretty even mix of cloth and disposables. Right now, I feed Harps organic stuff at home, but don't give it a second thought when we're eating out or at a friend's house or on a long car ride. Right now, I let her watch TV:

Because I know there is always hours and hours and hours of this:

And, hey, I still think it's cool to hold onto pure for the things you really care about. Even if it's a little crazy to the outside world. Like, I don't put my own TV shows on during the day. And she only watches Netflix stuff, so no commercials for her eyes. Or I keep her seat facing backward. Also, I'm a little bit nutty about parabens. But I just can't sweat all all all the crazy stuff anymore; I'm happier this way.

3) I was chatting with a mom at the library today, and ohmygod she totally cracked the code on something for me. She's got three kids and in her words: "Once I had my second, I realized I never have to sit in a godd*mn circle ever again." Meaning, she suddenly had no time for all the millions of classes we haul our first borns around to and she just as suddenly realized she was relieved.

Both Harps and I need our ka-tivities (music class, Friends school, pool, library, etc.) because she's hungry for it and I've gotta meet some moms. But it's not my ideal scenario. I'm quite looking forward to the future: playdates with friends in homes or at parks and then Harps getting some independent time at preschool. Because I'm much too salty for the saccharin teachers and corny songs and the whole schtick. I've been doing it for 2 years and I'm just d-u-n done.

I'm always looking around for an eye to catch and then roll together with, but no one bites! Everyone seems to be so sincere and earnest (or alternately, and this is also a no-go for me, completely checked out and bored -- come on, we all gotta sing the songs even if they suck) that I just end up feeling weird and alone.

It's like I'm already a mom of more-than-one-kid without doing the work. Le sigh.

4) Harps and I are doing a ton (this is a relative term) of housework together lately. I've let her "help" for a while now, but she can do some real tasks now and I'm finding it's a great way to keep her busy and get some stuff done at the same time. When she's whining or bored, and I can't handle all the steps of another art project, I pause and think of what actually needs to get done. Then we go do it.

Major kitchen clean-ups, laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, and -- this is my favorite -- she's an amazing kale shredder. It's been making the long winter hours while away a little bit faster, gets my house cleaner, and tires her out for the sleeping hours. Wee! Child labor!

5) Can you believe my baby's almost 2?!

That's all.

"Shrimp" cocktail

2012-01-24T04:04:00.000-08:00

Got the latest Bon Appetit last week and couldn't wait to try this recipe. Most of the issue was dedicated to heavy duty southern cooking (lots of fried chicken and bacon-infused collards) and while it all made my mouth water... not how we roll these days. (Tho I'm now obsessed with the idea of sorghum syrup and want a jug. Birthday coming soon. Just sayin'.)

So! Was happy to see a recipe posted for the most magical sounding dish. "Shrimp" cocktail made with...cauliflower. Insane and awesome.

Bought up the ingredients and got to cooking. Basically, you make a spicy pot of water (with crab boil spices and lemons and onions and garlic) and dunk the cauli in for 5-10 minutes. Cool it completely and pair with cocktail sauce. The mild taste of the cauliflower picks up all the shrimpy spices and the texture is weirdly...shrimp-like.

I loved it. And tho cc looked a little bit...perplexed by my efforts, he liked it, too. Did you know cauli, tho not colorful or otherwise thrilling in appearance, is one of the healthiest veggies? It's true, it's true.

Think I'll pull this one out as a party trick now and again. Just maybe not for my Texan in-laws.

Num num, eats up!

Sunday

2012-01-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

The ankles crossed is just too much for me sometimes.

While I sit here under a bulky quilt, sweatshirt hood up over my ears (the oil bill was a lee-ttle intense for me this month, so I'm trying to keep it chillier when I can stand it; just two more months till spring...), cc is zipping down the street to Stew Leonard's to buy us cold treats at their ice cream stand. I realize this makes no sense -- but that's what New Englanders do, friends. Eat ice cream from ice cream stands year round. It's our therapy.

We had a good weekend. Pretty quiet (very snowy) with a trip to the Children's Museum and some dada/daughter swimming (love the Y!) and watching the birds eat at their feeder (huge evidence of my impending elderly status = my newfound love of birds) and the deer trample through the yard and also quite a bit of... SLEEP. That most precious commodity, absent from my life for a couple weeks.

And so yes! A combination of things has gotten us back on track and I couldn't be more overjoyed. I broke out mah Dr. Ferber book (which I highly recommend for any/all sleep issues -- but you gots to read the book, yo. Please don't Google and read psycho hippie forums who claim they get it! Dude is director of The Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children's Hospital Boston...not a boob off the street. Sigh. Off soapbox) and followed it to the letter. It was much much much easier than our first go around a year ago and did the trick after a couple nights.

I also took his advice and started leaving her door open, with the hallway light on. (I've always closed it up tight, which was fine before...not now.) And I think we've finally nailed the temperature in her room. And she's not sick anymore. And... it was probably just time for a new phase. I have no doubts this one will end, too! But I'm enjoying it. Oh yes, I am.

Oh and hey, look! A pretty picture of our backyard in the snow. Want to come over?

Just a lil bit sleepy.

2012-01-20T07:17:00.001-08:00

She completed most of her playing this morning in a prone/supine/DGAF position. Kind of impressive, really.

Here's to more sleep tonight! (One of these days when I say it, it'll come true! I... just know it!)

Watercolors. Does her best work reclined.

Like a kitty.

Finally figured out this toy. Just have to come at it differently, duh.

Not fully accepting this yet, but

2012-01-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Poncho.

I think Harper needs to stop napping.

*hangs head*

*dies a slow death*

*realizes she can't watch British-TV-on-Netflix during the day* and *dies again*

It's not that she won't nap. Oh, no. She'll nap. Usually 2-2.5 hours. It's glorious! However. What's quickly being revealed to me, the main benefactor of such slumber, is her nighttime sleep is gravely affected. Graaaaaaaaaavely.Also? While definitely sleepy and a little... brittle without a nap, she's overall in a better mood, too. Say what?

I hate this. Hate! Naptime is my time to shine shine shiiiiine. (That's a song, right? I'm too tired. Is it Paul Simon? Help!)I only have genetics to blame, tho. My mom stopped napping at 2 and so did I. (But she's not even 2 yet?!) WHAT IS WRONG WITH US.

This isn't to say she'll never nap again. With weird travel stuff and long car rides and sickness and all that, of course. But the regular, drop-her-like-a-hot-biscuit nap thing? Think I'mma have to man up and pull the plug.

Should I start drinking?

Twosday

2012-01-17T03:15:00.000-08:00

A little sunny studying.

Chips ahoy!

Sure, I'm writing this before 6, but! I definitely had a real rest this past week, what with my mom staying for a solid 5 days and then the extra holiday day before cc has to travel for a bit. I could go back to sleep, work on unfurling my bedroom, drink my milky tea and... inhale the first two Hunger Games books in between starting season 1 of Downton Abbey. I'm getting caught up on the last two years, people! Or trying, sort of.

(Quite a bit to say on both series, but for now -- Hunger Games, to me, is pretty thrilling but also pretty much a total mishmash of A Wrinkle in Time + The Wizard of Oz + The Giver + Something else on the tip of my tongue... I can't tell if that hurts or helps it for me.)

All these little treats and extra sleeps were much needed, as HJ has decided her new wake time is between 4:30 and 5. (I'm hoping this is a holdover from Sleep Hell and not really her new wake hour. But if it is, I'm adjusting my bedtime to, like, 7:00.)

Sleepy.

I also got a couple walk/runs in on the treadmill, as I'm feeling especially cabin feverish lately and moving my appendages actually sounded good. The best part tho, by far, has been discovering I can re-download music (through the magic magicness of iCloud, which has taken me months to grasp) from the early years and groove out/wax nostalgic as I jog.

I've made many strange music purchases through the years, so I don't really know where to start with my journey through them... but I can say this weekend's favorite find was mos def Missy Elliot's "Work It." Oh yes it was. Brought me right back to junior year of college -- watching the Osbournes in Matt's bed, wearing ripped-up jeans from Delia's, drinking Boba tea like it was my job, and (I talked about this once on here, I think) standing around, all of us, in our underwear, all the time. Because it was sodamnhot from our roommate and her need to spent 5 million pennies on oil each winter. (The thermostat was in her room and no matter how many times we snuck in to change it...she won.)

I guess we were all young and fit and thought this was no big deal? Huh? Even when my b'fry came from across the river to hang out, we'd stay that way -- and he'd join! So it'd be 3-4 ladies and 2-3 guys standing around in undies and boxers, getting milk from the fridge or watching Felicity on the papasan chair or reading a play at the kitchen table. Oh, life.

I'm glad this is more the direction clothes-free living has taken these days:

Bath back.

Plenty of bubbles, please.

And Thomas is now wrapping up and m'lady calls. Happy short week, pals.

Then kick back with Corduroy.

Happy weekend!

2012-01-13T11:08:00.001-08:00

My week in hipped-out way-processed photos. (We've been having a good week, hanging with my mom and getting our sleep back on sched. Smooches.)

For now

2012-01-09T17:26:00.001-08:00

Kites!

Meh. Wasn't as cool as originally projected.

Oh, b. What a hellacious week's end and weekend. Harps got real time, puke pants sick, and I had all sorts of fun health things a'happening. We felt so terrible and watched so much Blue's Clues and felt terrible again. Also, I feel like I have a lot of thoughts re: Blue and Steve, but no one to talk it over with since this all happened 15 years ago?

I could not shake this dark cloud of unrest all weekend (even after cc brought me back a coffee shake from Shake Shack and french toast bagels from Stew's and spent tons of time keeping Harps out of my hair -- tho all the above certainly helped... ), mostly worried we would never return to a state of normal/happy/us-ness. Reminded me (sorry to bust you, momz) of when my mom gets strep or a nasty bug and is convinced, truly convinced, she'll never feel well again. My brother and I have to talk her out of it each time and each time I'm not sure she entirely buys it.

So that was me. Moody and grumpy and just worried. Quite sure Harper would never feel well, I'd never feel well, cc would never feel well, none of us would sleep normal again, I'd never get alone time again, she'd never want to quietly play by herself again instead of curling up on me shirtless, and on and on, you catch my drift.

(To be noted: Even in the midst of my gloom, we had a really nice visit to the beachside playground here in town. Pics above from our late afternoon jaunt where it was a ridiculously balmy 60 degrees. Global warming, you terrify me!)

How and why is it so easy to forget from all the (many other) ups and downs and ups and downs and arounds...that this too shall pass? ("Oprah said that!" someone tweeted once and then I died.) If it's super good, it'll change. Super bad, it'll change. Why can't I remember to just surf through it and trust we'll find the other side of the wave?

Today we started getting back on track... a little playgroup, a little library, some park, some milkshakes and fries in a cozy booth. We kept busy and I made sure to give her lots and lots of extra loving all along the way ... and I noticed she did the same back. I'm getting my groove back, I think, just in time for the aforementioned mom unit to drop in for a visit tomorrow. Can you say haircut/eye appointment/yoga/naps?!

To awkwardly wrap up this sort of sappy leaning post, I have to include the following song from Avenue Q, the fab-el-uss musical cc and I saw last winter. This tune acts as the finale and I got so choked up in my seat, because I needed so much to hear this message. I played it over and over and over and over in the coming months, while I made dinner and changed diapers and visited hospitals and took care of my babes. It's a good one.

Full on sick Friday.

2012-01-06T06:43:00.001-08:00

Here's hoping for a less puketastic weekend!

Things are better.

2012-01-04T19:45:00.001-08:00

She looks...homeless?

Guys! All your thoughtful and thought-out comments meant so much to me. I was (and still kinda am) having some dark days up in here and it truly helped to get a little ping in my inbox with words of support. So thank you!I took all the tips and ideas into consideration and we pulled together a plan that, as you can see, eventually worked. And as it's now today (not last night) and she's actually napping in her room, in her pack 'n play, I think we're en route to success!

Last night, we gave her some Benadryl (Judge me! But it has mild anti-anxiety properties and can help ease along a rough sleep situation) and a long bath and lots of cuddles and chats and books. Then we snuggled her into her pack 'n play, positioned back in her room. We left a light on and we put on some Mozart. (Specifically, "Chilling with Mozart" which, just...oh my.) And then we each took up position in different corners of the room and stayed until she snoozed. It took about an hour and she wasn't happy, but she also wasn't beside herself or scared. She only mentioned "noises" once or twice and it was more in passing, looking to engage us, not like in the days before.

We tried to mostly read our books and stay neutral, but if she started to ramp up, we'd go over and hug/kiss/comfort -- we just didn't take her out. Eventually, she konked out -- totally sitting up. It was a little heartbreaking, but we're first and foremost paparazzi and had to capture the moment. Then we gleefully (but quietly) exited the premises and plunked down in our beloved chairs. The downstairs! At night! Forgot it existed.

A half hour later, tho, we heard her coughing/crying and ran back upstairs to find she'd...thrown up. I quickly picked her up and she threw up again, all over me and my grandma sweater. After a quick clean-up and jammies change and some dada singing, she happily snuggled back into her bed, then slept till 6 without incident. My own bed, without a little warm nugget nudging me out, felt so insanely luxurious.

We threw (ha) around the idea that maybe the sickies came from the funky sitting up position she fell asleep in, but now I'm just realizing she's been sick for a couple days. Which, duh, is part of why something that would normally be a blip on the screen became a bit more. Anxiety and nausea have a complex relationship (in that they can each cause the other) and I think she was dealing with some of that. Add to the fact she's at the my-imagination-is-really-churning age -- and also those noises were incredibly loud and extremely close -- and we had a perfect cocktail for disaster. A delicious cocktail of near lunacy!

Nap took a while to achieve today (I sat in there with her again), but she bought it and this time we rolled drug, tho not hug, free. Whew.Thank you again for the reassurance and encouragement and lovin'! Hopefully we're on our way outta sleep hellz.

Four eyes

2012-01-03T04:18:00.001-08:00

Bedtime antics in...our bed.

So. But an hour after I felt all triumphant with our sleep transfer, I shifted in my chaise lounge monster chair a little bit funky...and it bumped the radiator and made a huge hollow BOOM and...

Chenny McCowan was up and at 'em.

Basically re-traumatized her even deeper because wait what? Even with the special set-up, after you promise the noise went away, it finds me?! Not good.

Of course, she now happily sleeps in bed with us -- nothing she ever wanted before, not even for a quick nap. We say it's bedtime and she cheers, snuggles in between us, and is out like a nightlight for 11 hours. And while it's not a living hell or anything (for little moments, when I have more than a square inch to myself, it's even a little cozy)... we've gotta move on from here. Not just because I'm a little uncomfortable while we snooze, but because she's clearly very anxious still. Talking about it (sometimes nonstop, sometimes so we can't even think thoughts) and worrying about it even during the day. Makes cc and me real sad.

My mom and I talked a lot yesterday about how a fear of loud, booming noises (especially in the night) is a primal fear, part of our animal brain going hey! Protect me, yo! Same thing with a fear of dogs or snakes or spiders or heights. You can't really label them irrational because they're just not! We've got it ingrained in us on a cellular level that they might take us down to Chinatown and so...wham bam Harper horror!

So. I'm pulling out all those sleep books and kid books and stuff I haven't looked at in almost a year. And happily accepting any tales from you all on toddler/preschooler fears and how you hopefully conquered them in time for her first night at college.

As Murray says... Peace!

Happy new yearz!

2012-01-01T17:54:00.001-08:00

First off. Happy new year, people friends! Muah.

But secondly: Oh, b! I'm tired. Some restaurant down the street thought it wise to put on a huge a%s firework display last night and it scared the bloody hell out of my baby. She woke from a dead sleep, shaking, convinced...we were being bombed? I don't know. But she was not okay. Many many many many hours later, she collapsed in bed with us for a few fitful hours, leaving me roughly 2 square inches to sleep. (Why does she snuggle cc, but kick me and shove me and all but ask me to take the couch? Unfairness squared.)

However! We're always a little sad she won't sleep in bed with us ever and there was something sweet about being tangled up together in there, ringing in the new year as a family.

But then... No nap from her today (wouldn't let us leave the room for 5 seconds) left me dee-pressed. I NEED THAT TIME, PEOPLE.So tonight -- after wise counsel from my mom via Skype and some group brainstorming -- we: Gave her a super long/hot bath, put her pack 'n play in our room, added some Mozart, let her read till she was beyond exhausted, and made it all seem over-the-top cozy and special. By the time 8:30 rolled around, she was so spent she could only manage a feeble "okay..." when I said it was time for sleeps. Much improvement over last night's manic and incomprehensible: "NO NONONONONON NO NO ah! LOUD NOISE no no nono MAMA DADA HERE?! NOISE AWAY noise all gone NOISE BYE BYE?? no WAY!! HEY!! oh b!! BABY OKay?!?!"

And then she went immediately and quickly and silently to sleep hurrah! She didn't even need/want me there; I walked quickly out the door and...shhhhhhh. But woh. She only bought it because of the pomp and circumstance we gave to the whole thing.

So yeah. Toddler fears/terrors/horror. They're a thing! But as cc just said to me, gleefully, "I'm sort of glad she's in our room! I like it!" Oh, you.

(This is only for a night or two, then we'll slowly move her back into her room. Lest you were worried about my sanity.)

Here are a few pics from our weekend at home, ringing in 2012. I'm a little too tired for comments-on-2011...I might work on those for later or I might not? I might make resolutions and...I might not? Lalala!

Tea party, al fresco.

Headbands, like I'm still working at Johnson's Drive-in circa 2001.

NYE smooching.

While I made lunch, she unwrapped/licked an entire pack of Juicy Fruit.

Very serious mural painting.

These still exist?! Albeit, with a weird/bad chocolate cookie part.

Chambermaid

2011-12-29T04:45:00.000-08:00

I am head over heels for this age stage Harper's in. Sure, she can have really scary tantrums (really scary), but those are totally canceled out by all the ridiculous antics she pulls all day and the crazy rate she's learning/mimicking/talking. She's such a nut!

Por ejemplo! Here's a video from last night. She was quiet for a bit and cc opened the bathroom door to find her doing this on repeat. (And while I'd love to take credit for cleaning the toilets soooo frequently she couldn't help but learn...I'm pretty sure I only did it once and I didn't know she was even with me?)

A little Christmas post

2011-12-27T18:42:00.001-08:00

Pretty much says it all.

We had a lovely, peaceful Christmas in these here parts. It was so much fun getting everything festive and Santafied and waking up together and watching Harper slowly get what a special day Christmas is.

She just...loved it all. There were so many "wow!"s and gleeful giggles and real, innocent joy. Over everything! A little piece of Pez candy, handing out presents to her uncle, opening a dollhouse, riding her Rody, having tea parties, playing with her cousins, watching the snowflakes flake.

The Christmas lights in Portland. Impromptu driving date with cc.

Snowflake turtleneck and my Gram.

HJ and cc make towers. New hoss, Rody, in the background.

I love seeing her with the cousins, playing quietly (and then loudly) with the big girls upstairs while I peeked in to make sure she was still alive. Watching her remove herself from the chaos for little periods of time to recharge -- with a pile of books or some watercoloring or a walk in wooden shoes. Eating a cupcake in the kitchen (after her first, sticky candy cane) and saying "thank you thank you thank you!" Then giving out 12 rounds of kisses and hugs before we drove off in the Subie.

In her doughnut shirt and purple tights. Ready for the family party.

And I love all the thoughtful presents she received (which, honestly, I look at as presents to me since they'll keep us busy in the long winter hours ahead!), with lots of attention to who she is and we are as a family. Books and art supplies and craft goodies and puzzles and riding toys. Packing up my car with all the new loot, I'm pretty sure I could open up a cozy/crunchy daycare tomorrow. Any takers?

I hope your holi-dees were a good time, too!

We took a road trip to Maine

2011-12-20T19:15:00.001-08:00

French fries! Fist deep.

Harps and I (and a little bit of Santa, too) loaded up the Subie yesterday morning and hit the road. Was planning on making an afternoon departure, but after a 5 AM wakeup call, I knew I needed to use my hours wisely. We made a bunch of stops this go, but that was fine and broke it up nicely. When there's no big rush, it's cool to stop at Wendy's for some fries (and some milk we spilled all over, followed by a clothes change in the parking lot -- you're welcome for the show, Southboro!) and then an hour later stop at Dunks for some much needed caffeine and then stop at my cousin's house for a quick chat and a lovely cup of tea.

DD. One of my truest loves.

I just love texting her and saying "You gonna be around at noon?" and her texting "Yep!" and then easy breezy, we're there sipping chai! East Coast livin, yo.

She poured an entire box of Goldfish out. Felt a bit remorseful.

And now we're at my mum's house and it's icy and foggy outside and I have got to get dressed and do some shopping in Portland. Unless everyone's cool with some cute IOU's for baked goods? ...no?

Oh and a quick PSA! See how Harps is almost 2 (in 6 weeks ah!) and still facing backward? The American Pediatrics Association changed the recommendation last year (of when to flip them forward) from 1 year to 2 years. I've heard lots of complaints that a kiddo is too tall (ahem -- at 12 months, no kiddo is too tall) but oh, friends. I birthed a giant and she's still hanging tough a year later. She's never known any different and so she rolls with it. (We plan on keeping her this way for as long as we all can do it, but that's just us.)

Did you know facing your baby/toddler backward reduces the risk of serious injury or fatality in a crash by 75%? That number is...huge. This is (very) sad, but EMTs refer to that seat as the "orphan maker" because often the baby is the only one in a crash who makes it.

Also! See that clip on her chest? That needs to be way up near their armpits/nipples, not down by their tummy or crotch. And none of the straps should be twisted. Each one of these things makes a huge difference in safety.

Just a quick reminder! Lots of peeps out on the roads for the holidays and feel pretty strongly about this one. Kisses.

I am not Martha Stewart tonight because

2011-12-18T18:14:00.001-08:00

You haven't what?!

I haven't:

1) Purchased any Christmas presents. Literally. Not one.

2) Made/bought/sent Christmas cards. I'm thinking...this one isn't going to happen.

3) Found my offspring a pediatrician. (Or we adults GPs/dentists/yada yada everything.)

4) Taken a shower this weekend.

5) Put away any of my clothes at the new house. They're in trash bags and canvas tote bags and army bags and ... all over the floor.

6) Finished The Brothers Karamazov since sophomore year.

However! I'm quite accomplished at sipping this here hot cocoa and kicking my slippers up on this here bed and closing my eyes in this here head and shrugging my shoulders that it'll all, probably, get done someday.

My biscuit

2011-12-15T18:21:00.001-08:00

Yarn hat.

cc and I are obsessed with these pics because Harper looks like a real little girl in them. (Versus a wooden puppet?) Not a baby...a girl. I love it and I hate it and then I love it. We've been having a string of really good days. (And by "string" I think I mean...the last two. We had two days of bad tantrums before that. In full disclosure.) But these days are like damn! I'm totally awesome at this! Is someone filming?

Making the homemade playdough together, doing all the library visits, having tea parties, quietly coloring together at the sunny table near the window, wagon rides through the secret garden... On these kinda days, I'm grateful for all that work I've done on mindfulness. It takes practice not to worry about every little thing going on in the background and really be like dude! This is the life!

Do you guys know about layers? I'll teach you.

And hey! Speak of the devil. It's now 10 in the PM and while I was about to press Publish and start using up some of that new yarn... I've got a little friend munching peanut butter crackers next to me all the sudden. (Too long o' afternoon nap and can't stay asleep.) Le sigh. We just waved to the buck outside our kitchen window and now we'll read a few pages before we hopefully, oh-god-I-need-it, drift back down to sleepytown.

(Edited to add this next pic while she reads on her beanbag way-too-late because, well, it makes me feel all cheerful and stuff):

And to all a good night! Yo.

I am hypontized by this

2011-12-15T05:38:00.000-08:00

Harps and I can't get enough of this one. I'm personally impressed by his total commitment and utter unembarrassment at singing with Muppets. And it's really catchy and sweet. And then the synchronized head turns at the end. Eye candy.

(P.S. I just read he co-wrote Cee-Lo's 'F You' song -- aka Harps' favorite jam. But of course he did!)

Deer Prudence

2011-12-13T18:12:00.001-08:00

Little piece of advice for parents-to-be? Don't purchase a velvet couch when you're trying to make a baby. Because then the baby will be made and then it will be born and then it will spit up breastmilk all over it and then draw all over it with ballpoint pen. Mmm.

(I love that print -- it's of Union Station in Denver, right downtown where we first lived. We've collected little things from all the places we've lived and like to sprinkle them around. A future project is putting a big wall sticker of the Golden Gate Bridge on Harps' bedroom wall.)

Hey, so! Harps officially has a school for next fall. Score dot net! I decided on a different program after all, because while the nature one looks great, a chance meeting at the library last week steered us in a new direction. I don't want no crazies finding my chillun so I won't give any deets, but it really is my heart song vision for a nursery school. Very similar to the one I attended and full of good/warm/happy vibes. I had to pull her away (literally) kicking and screaming today, so I take that as a big thumbs up from her.

I love that this is out of the way, even though it seems incredibly ridiculous we have to do it almost an entire year in advance. I took the 7th of 8 spots! It's only December! What has this earth come to, yo? I guess I'm a part of it now, so I can't complain no mo'. (But I still will.)

What else what else what else...

Tonight, after a massive kitchen clean-up, I headed outside with the trash and recycling. Right there (right there) was a huge buck. Antlers all perky, he stared at me and stared at me while I inched forward and then backward again. Do male deer kill moms-in-sweats trying to take their milk bottles out? I asked myself. Not wanting to test my question, I tiptoed back inside and put on my slippers. cc assured me he "probably wouldn't have" and then we stepped out on our lit patio and watched the buck -- totally okay with us being there -- munch on our holly while his baby mama sat nearby.

Guess I won't ever be growing a vegetable garden here?

Sunday

2011-12-11T17:37:00.001-08:00

My best friends.

I'm writing this wearing: Two pair of pants, wool socks under leather/shearling slippers, a long sleeve shirt under a hoodie under a wool cardigan. Basically, I'm looking very sexy and slim. Enough, fellas! I'm married.

Sooooo yes. It's a little chilly downstairs in the hobbithouse (upstairs not at all) and also, maybe, I'm a little dramatic...so. Here we are! (About to press "confirm" on a striped union suit to wear under all my clothes, all the time.)

Despite the subtle chill....I love the hell out of this house. It's slowly coming together and feeling homey and happy and just a nice place to spend my hours. I also muchly enjoy: the yard! And hammock! And the deer that visit us all day long! (Not their many poo piles tho.)

In other news, I think I found a little nursery school for Harps next year. (Septembah 2012.) I have to make sure there's room and stuff (preschools out here aren't like those in cities, with interviews and the like -- which is a major hallelujah for me, because I'd probably just not end up doing any of it and she'd be homeschooled till college or maybe even grad school), but I'm hoping it'll be easy peasy to get it all done.

If it works out, I think it could be a really special place for the Jones. It's a nature-centered school, with most of the focus on outdoorsy/wildlife stuff, which seems just right for what makes her happy. And it's only a mile from our house, kapow! I'll say more about the program if it works out doobie doobie doo.

Aaaaaaaand back to Zach Galifianakis on Netflix in my snowsuit.

Treats

2011-12-08T18:23:00.001-08:00

Yes.

Ever since my mom helped me get through the horrors of seventh grade (people were kissing-with-tongue and drinking wine coolers in basements while I listened on repeat to Abbey Road and re-read Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself in protest of my new teenage status) by taking me out for brownie sundaes at Johnson's, I've wholeheartedly believed in treats to get me through slow work days or long winters or bad headaches or Tuesdays.

But I'm talkin little treats here -- that's the key, I think. It's often a happier high to get a five dolla sumpin sumpin than a crazy big purchase. A travel size hand lotion, an eggnog latte, a...maple syrup candle in a vintage tin with a wooden wick that crackles. You smell me. I've been lighting that puppy up whenever I have a second to myself and it (I almost typed "lifts me up" which is really frightening) makes me all holly jolly. Silly maybe? But it works. Now if I could only find the Christmas lights amidst all these dang boxes...

Harper's treat? Long, long sessions of water play with abundant pumps of method cucumber dish soap. (Also, she got a chocolate milk after the library today. And patted her mouth with napkin in between each delicate sip. Oh, b!)

Smush.

Rainy dayz

2011-12-07T11:19:00.001-08:00

Waiting on the train from NYC. My buddy came to visit and while away the rain.

Rainy days over here in the shire. (That's where our cottage is, natch.)

It's taking a little adjusting to, this rain and very early (4:30?!) darkness. In Colorado, it almost never does anything but shine with sun. So we'd go outside for hours and hours at a time -- even in the dead of winter! -- up and down and around the sidewalks, parks, and backyards. Here it's...no. It's not like that. Which, inherently is more me. I love cozy indoor things and I love rain and I love boots. (It's related, go with it.)

I've just never lived those things with a toddler in tow. Whew. Whew-ee.

What in the heck does one do with a tiny person when one isn't outside chilling in the sun? I don't think she could pick up knitting just yet.

I've been making lists of ideas for myself, because in the moment (when it's dark and wet and we've played with every single toy and read every single book and colored and danced to all of the 80's already) I sometimes just throw my hands up and put on a Caillou. Which, hey, that's not evil. Caillou is my good, bald friend. I just want to have a quick reference to look at before I grab the remote.

I've got things like: Play with soap and warm water in the sink, use potatoes and paint as stamps, shaving cream letters on her little table, pull out the felt board, make playdough, vacuum together (she loves it, shush), bake something, make a fort, ~~drink~~ have a tea party.

Other ideas, you cold weather lovelies out there?

Sometimes I get jealous of those days of yore, where there were a million siblings who lived in the same village and you just piled your kids together and they entertained each other while you made corn fritters. But other times I really, really love my quiet space. (And running water.)

Storytime

2011-12-05T19:02:00.001-08:00

Today, I took Harps to our first storytime at our new town's library. It was kind of...intense? Mind you, I just came from a teeny session in Maine where there were four other toddlers in attendance, an insanely sweet librarian in bulky winter boots who called H "Hahpah" and a cool grandpa wearing a jogging suit. This was not that. This was a tired-but-manic singing lady wearing a mic up on a stage. This was probably 100 people screaming at the top of their lungs. This was almost all nannies. But you know what? This was a happy Harper. She hauled a%s out of the little one last week and was riveted today. Sometimes I wonder how she is she after spending all her time with me.

Then we went upstairs for a little puzzle time, a little book time. Except, duh, it was swamped with other peeps who just left the show. (I'm calling it a show now, that's what it was.) But she found a little corner and started her pile of books, declining rather emphatically my offer to read them aloud. So I chilled on the couch and judged other parents. You know.

This one lady next to me -- "Nana" -- pulled her 3ish year old granddaughter up on the couch with her and started offering her a variety of treats.

"Now. None of these because there are no treats in the library." Hands her a chocolate covered rice cake.
"And no drinks, you might spill!" Slips her a sippy cup with juice.
"If you want to eat we have to do it downstairs!" A cracker.

To say the least, I was confused.

Then there were a bunch of nannies conducting phone calls and texting. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then! Up showed a man with his 2ish year old son. They sat on the rug to assemble a puzzle or two. While they fiddled, a cute cutie (9 months maybe?) came crawling over and started gumming some of the pieces. Dad's face = complete horror. He turns to me "Do you know her?" Do I know her? That phrasing is totally off in referencing a baby, dude. I shake my head, delighted to see where this is headed.

She keeps chewing a lighthouse or a frog or something, all cheeks and big eyes and dimples. He frantically hands her pieces from another puzzle and then lightly pushes her in that direction. "No, baby. We're playing with this puzzle. You do that puzzle." (YOU DO THAT PUZZLE?!) She comes back, he hands more pieces, over and over, rinse repeat. He looks up again, to another mom. "Are you her mother? Whose baby is this? WHOSE BABY IS THIS?!"

No one answers. (At this point, even I'm wondering who the hell she belongs to -- some di*khead is literally pushing her around!) Which is hilarious, because he cannot believe his bad luck. Little sisters -- always in the way. Ramona!

Eventually, I grabbed Harps and scooted the heck out. We'll be spending a lot of time there (it's open 7 days a week woot and it's about to be hardcore winter ah die) and I thought it best I didn't punch a face my first day there. You know.

We did it, we moved, we're alive

2011-12-04T17:26:00.001-08:00

Oh, just leaving my secret garden. You?

Moving! Such a joy. A friend asked if it would be a hassle to visit because we've just moved and I'm all "No! We've always just moved." Because doesn't it feel that way? It's almost surprising to remember I lived in the same house for years and years and years growing up. That I wasn't an army kid, trying a different city every couple years. Anywho.

We've got a bunch of boxes left to unpack, but we're getting settled in slowly but surely. cc has done most of the unpacking, truth be told, and I'd like to publicly kiss his face to show my appreciation. Specifically, his meticulous attention to unloading and organizing my kitchen (my homey homey kitchen with a vintage metal bread drawer!) makes me want to break dance to something with a good hook.

Hop on. Next stop? Chocolate milk.

Harps is in her toddlerpants glory. Her toys and books are slowly appearing after a lonely few month tucked away, she's got loads of space to roam and kick her tiny soccer ball, and the apple cider doughnut holes have been flowing. Along with some usually unavailable treats purchased from my new favorite place on all of planet earth:

This was my second visit of the day.

Stew Leonard's. I can't even explain this place. There's a petting zoo outside? And animatronic shows that happen above the butter aisle? And tons and tons and tons of made-right-there sweets and baked goods and popcorn and fresh squeezed juice and weird funky things and it's like. Perfect. And entirely to blame for me eating much too many of these:

Everything a girl could ever want in two bites.

So the unpacking continues (and continues) tomorrow, but for now I kick back on my new (left behind by former tenants) chaise thing of greatness and eat my weight in kettle corn. Smooches!

We're moving here tomorrow

2011-12-01T19:05:00.001-08:00

This teeny little pic will have to do for now... stole it off Zillow.

But soon we'll be taking our own pics as Harps eats grass and makes snowmen and poos behind the stonewall. Wee!

We found it our first couple days in town, just stumbled upon it while we were driving around the area. We weren't seriously looking yet -- thought we'd stay in temp housing for a few months -- but after taking turns running around the grounds while Harps napped in the car... we couldn't get it out of our heads. It was just too easy to picture us being us there.

So! Crazy fairy cottage nestled in the trees? Here we come.

*high fives Hansel and Gretel*

And then she inhaled a pumpkin whoopie pie in the rain

2011-11-29T19:22:00.001-08:00

Heading back south tomorrow, leaving Grammy Camp behind. Will shed a small tear, but we miss dada/cc and heck -- we'll be back in a few weeks. Oh, holidees! I love thee.

But hey! Only a couple short nights in Stupid Apartment before we move into our house. Bam! It took till today, but the lease is official and we're IN. I'm excited like woah. I need to host a garden party or sumpin. Or maybe just toast a couple bagels for friends. Nite!

While I eat my millionth Trader Joe's JoeJoe

2011-11-28T09:53:00.001-08:00

Wooden shoes = the next big craze.

'ello! (As Harper says.) I hope everyone had a nice and restful turkey day. I spent mine on the Right Coast, my first over this way in 6 years. It was a lovely first holiday back -- lots of food and family time and oohing and ahing over Chennypants.

I couldn't help but pause to remember last Thanksgiving -- also known as, what I hope will remain and not be usurped ever, The Worst Thanksgiving of My Life. I had a sick baby (who was beginning a very sudden self-weaning) and a very (very) sick husband. Schlepping through the airport, cc weak and unable to carry the baby, the baby wailing from a stomach bug and ear infection, I considered lying down in the middle of everything and letting one of those moving walkways take me away, Calgon. Exhausted from a year of serious sleep deprivation, I was still the only one that felt relatively well. There's no sitting down and kicking up your feet over a slice of pumpkin while the rest of your family is suffering.

We spent those days gritting our teeth, grinning and bearing it -- in cars and planes, sleeping in different beds, swallowing sweet potato, all the while trying to act okay. I'm pretty sure we failed.

The fear and exhaustion and uncertainty of that time was nothing I'd ever experienced. I fought back tears when Harper wouldn't nurse on our last day in Texas. I tried and tried and tried to get her to latch, but she was simply and suddenly done. Beside myself with grief and rejection, I convinced myself I was a terrible mother; looking back, I was anxious about some much deeper things. It was simply something to pin those feelings on.

But shew yikes -- back to the here and now. Exactly a year later and life looks much different. Happier, slower, much healthier, more grateful. Thursday morning, while I tossed the squash in evoo and brown sugar, alone in the kitchen for a minute, I paused. I wasn't anxious, I wasn't scared. I could hear cc and Harper giggling, coloring frogs and ghosts together before they moved onto reading that Arthur book for the 25th time. I started to cry, overwhelmed in the best of ways.

And oh yes, there was plenty of pumpkin this time around.

(Back to the JoeJoes.)

Good guv'nor I love driving more than flying

2011-11-22T06:02:00.001-08:00

Sicky Harps and her new best friend, Chewy.

Yesterday, Harps and I made the trip up north to my mum's house. Dude. It was pie. I wasn't sure how it'd all go, but it was seriously fine. There were a couple stops along the way (when she got fussy we did up McDonald's for fries -- it'd been so long and I think they might not be as good? Am I missing the transfat? -- and some running around the scary play thing, then visited with my dad for some intense coloring/doctor kit'ing/soccer playing), but the traffic was nil and I could ~~haul ass~~ drive at a very reasonable speed. (And when she started losing her noodle, a well-placed iPad with some Caillou kept things peaceful.)

What a difference, doing a drive instead of taxi'ing to the airport and checking a bag and going thru security and and -- yeah. I'm also a nut, I think, and love to drive. Always always always prefer to be at the wheel than next to it (unless I'd like a cat nap...)

Speaking of cats! Much to my allergy-ridden husband's dismay (who isn't here yet, but I can imagine his pout-to-be) my mum just got a new kitty and...we're fairly obsessed. His name is Chewy and he has little pointy, crooked ears like Yoda, and he's the sweetest love I've ever met. Last night, after I put my stuffed-up baby girl down in her old school Pooh jammies, as I sipped my tea and kicked up my feet, Chewy climbed onto my lap and cradled himself into a baby position, wrapping his paws around my arm. We are in love for life. (And now I've started obsessively researching dogs. Oh b!)

Post drive tea binge.

Turns out, toddlers love parades

2011-11-20T16:48:00.001-08:00

I was originally planning on driving to my mom's house today, to kick off our Thanksgiving celeb early. But then cc was all "Huh? But...I'd miss a whole weekend day with Harps?!" And so okay, can't argue too much with that. Leaving tomorrow instead.

In my defense -- at taking away a sweet biscuit from her dadpants -- I walk in my mom's house and enter Enormous Amounts of Help Land. So when that's beckoning...it can be hard to stay in this here small, nothing-works-ever apartment. But I did!

And listen. On my walk back from the drugstore this morning (scared of the CVS-brand dipes I just bought), I noticed a parade was about to start. It was also probably 68 degrees out and sunny and she's never been to one and I haven't been in years and why not? So I hustled back and told cc he was taking her while I sat at home and didn't. And he did. But then he called and said "Only the motorcycles have come out and she's already so dang happy...I don't think you'll want to miss this." And woooeee he was right.

She was mildly pleased with the drummers and the bugles and the big police horses, but then the huge Macy's-type balloons started coming down the street (A caterpillar! Scooby! Garfield! Cookie Monster!) and she was beside herself. Clapping and yay'ing and pointing and kicking with glee. The sun was shooting sparkles off her little face and she was hugging cc's head and, well, I was suddenly okay with changing a few extra dipes today.

Calm hands

2011-11-17T18:27:00.001-08:00

Guys, it felt so good to type out those words last night. I'm never sure ahead of time if I should press publish after putting my weirds out there, but whew. Glad I braved it. Completely cathartic, right before sleeps, right before I drifted into closed eyes closing out a long day.

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comments and for being so nice to me. It's such a boost to read uplifting words as they ping into my inbox -- especially when it's raining and we're cooped up and I haven't talked to another adult in many many hours. So thank you.

Oh and so crackers and cheesiness out of the way, let me tell you about tonight:

When I put Harper down in her little white bed and cc popped in a video game and I said "I desperately need a peppermint hot cocoa, goodbye!" So I put on my green rainboots and my slouchy cap and went out into the dark city. Where scary people abound? (But 'twas only 7:30, so felt safe-ish...) And I first stopped at McDonald's because I guess they have a gross peppermint concoction for the holidays, but the line was so long and I felt way too close to getting a large fry. Ohhhh a large fry. It's been so so so long.

But since I'd walked that far, I was thisclose to the 'bux where I could get a soy version. Which is better for my face, I s'pose. So I ordered and it was ohsotasty; I started the walk back, jolly and with a minty mouth. Three quarters of the way home, though, on a particularly dark and empty stretch, a car pulled up next to me and two guys jumped out. And I was pretty sure I was dead dead dead with a mouthful of soy, dead. And I was so angry at myself for orphaning my baby, all for some sugar! She'd grow up motherless because I like overpriced hot beverages! I couldn't shop for a prom dress or teach her how to drive stick shift or watch Footloose while she did Algebra homework. Because of cocoa.

But then! They looked at me, shrugged, and...ran across the street to Macy's. And I wasn't dead. I was alive! and my drink was still warm. And I finished it quickly. Tasty, but not quite so much as before.

Words on a wednesday

2011-11-16T17:34:00.001-08:00

Oh hey, fingers crossed but... if all works out, we'll be moving into a new pad on December One. Joy! I always feel nervous till the lease is signed and all that (we're in the paperwork phase right now), but tentatively, cautiously excited. It's a really unique place and I really can't wait to get my bum in it. But! Trying not to count chickens yada yada yada.

Should help with the general malaise I've got grooving. I'm happy pants to be back on this coast and excited for things to come, but also in this weird zone I haven't been in since Before Baby days. The past two years, Harper's completely occupied my whole everything -- but now that she's more and more independent (sob, but also yay?) (and also who am I kidding -- she's still 100% dependent on me, she can just... talk and stuff), I find myself thinking about goals with a capital G. Semi obsessively.

And then beating myself up because I haven't accomplished them yet or worry I never will accomplish them or stress because there's really no way to accomplish them while being a SAHM (which I'm committed to being) and wanting more babies. What a completely weird limbo space to be in. Knowing I'm doing what I want to be doing, but wanting a bit more, but not really being able to do it.

Because isn't there a way to live parallel lives? Haven't they cracked that time machine code yet? Where I'm off training to be a yoga teacher in one plane, writing a book in another, having 12 babies in a third; And somehow aware and mindful in each state, appreciating how rad it is I'm getting to live up to my potential (that's in heavy quotes), but also raising chickens in the backyard and knitting an afghan while I breastfeed?

I compare myself to other bloggers who live seemingly flawless and accomplished lives. With etsy shops and beautiful shoes and puppy dogs and master degrees. I compare myself to writers and artists and actors and business people and friends and enemies. I compare and compare and envy and fret and come up zero. Because oh my. Once you start thinking the grass is greener or smarter or prettier, you start to lose. Lose your mind, your grounding, your groove.

Because oh, I know (some of the time, when I've just finished my yoga or I'm drinking my tea and doing a crossword or biting Harper's cheeks and holding her hands) it's all a matter of yet. Not being able to do it all yet. This right now, these hours and days and months, these are my hardcore mothering days. These are the days Harper needs me needs me needs me and these days won't roll around again. They won't be waiting for me later, in a patient pond of things to dip into, like the other wants I want to do. This is it and I have to own it. And I am. It just takes a second to get back there sometimes.

Harper drew a rainbow.

2011-11-15T18:19:00.001-08:00

This weekend.

2011-11-13T17:15:00.001-08:00

This weekend, my mom took the train down for a quick visit. The train! A quick visit! Also known as: things made possible by my new locale. Harper lost her mind (I mean, really) when she realized Grammy was in the car all uh the sudden. And I lost my mind when I realized weeeeee! I've got more h-e-l-p! Weeeeee! I can bathe and pee! Grammy usually ends up feeling like quite the VIP.

Navigating the rocky shore. A couple o' pirates.

These pictures are out of order because Blogger wants me committed to a hospital for cranial leakage. But anyways. Here's Harps when she realized I was taking pics of us. Happy happy baby with little pearls for teeth. (Also, this was 2 minutes after a long string of scary, death-defying playground tricks on her behalf. Can't I have a wimpy child, please? I'm scared of her bravery. Does that sentence make sense?)

That little blonde mop needs a serious chopping.

An entirely perfect afternoon for one happened today. (One being me, natch?) I've committed myself to doing 45-60 minutes of yoga during HJ's nap and usually/hopefully this affords me some leftover time when I'm finished sweating for eating and sitting. Today, I finished my mat stuff and then made hot tea, a plate of Indian leftovers, and grabbed the Sunday paper. Stuff dreams are made of. (It lasted about 20 minutes.)

I'm really, really into raita. And making a soupy mess.

I'm loving this insanely warm November. Lots of beach time makes all the people happy.

Every single person thought she was a boy. Sigh.

I told you we transitioned Harps to a bed? I thought it would be a huge, tortuous ordeal but...nothing really changed. One night we just said "Hey! You sleep in a bed now, cool?" And she was all "Okay, cool!" And life went on. She loves the thing and asks to go to bed now, letting us walk away with a jolly "Ni ni!" and I love not worrying about her climbing out of the crib and breaking her bones.

Of course we made sure the room is all safe and secure and fine, However. When she wakes up in the morning, she CAN bolt out of bed quite fast and open her own door (very recent discovery) so that needs to be fixed fast. Don't need her wandering around, making oatmeal and coffee and such. Tonight there shall be a chair blocking her exit, tomorrow we'll get our acts together.

Reading books in new bed. Pretty proud of her digs.

Totally a deer-caught-in-the-headlights shot, buuuuuut I just had to snap a pic of that Book Worm shirt, courtesy of a cc shopping spree. Heh! Tonight I used it as jammies (anyone else use real clothes as jammies when they want to layer up? Er?) and she was so flippin soft and snuggly while I sang Cee-Lo and rubbed her back. This was right before bed, coloring her letters with a "geen" crayon. Little love ham sammich jones burger.

I pluck her eyebrows once a week.

What'd you guys do?

When you take a froggy to the beach in November

2011-11-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

After naps today, I took Harps to a little playground-by-the-ocean. It was crazy beautiful. (Seriously, Connecticut! What's with you?) And we both needed it after a long week (of crayons? I don't know, it was just long) and not enough how-we-like-it time. Because what I've realized this past week or two, with moving and hovering and figuring and driving and such, is that my days -- my normal days -- are centered around her.

And it's mindfully so. Sure, I get my own stuff done. Nor am I a slave to her every whim. What I mean is, I've figured out what she needs and when -- it's a real flow, not a real schedule per se -- and I run our day that way. It works for us. She's content and I'm content and we roll and we roll and then we smooch and sleep and do it all over again.

This is a pretty cool slide, dude. And I dig my "ghost" sweater.


But, mom? I spot the water. Can't nothin' hold me back from that.

So I'mma hand you my boots. And I'mma get my ocean pedicure on. Sweet November bliss.

A few things, bullet point style

2011-11-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Strolling around our new lil courtyard.

- At least half of Harper's clothes you see pictured in pictures are hand-me-downs from the loves in my life. Thank you and you know who you are! (Christie and Mandy, <3) I love them more than new things! They're dusted with cool girl vibes and stuff.

- Yesterday was such a bad day. Bad bad bad badness. Some of it was bad in a yeah, this sucks and I know why way. Harper had some very lengthy, very terrible, hitting-herself-in-the-head-with-her-own-hand tantrums (brought on by long car rides and different everything and mucho undersleep from the time change and, like, once I moved her red crayon to the wrong side of the coloring book?) and I didn't feel well. And then I got my hopes up about something and then it didn't happen and then Harper screamed some more. And then there were some can't-put-my-finger-on-it things that made my mood terrible/made even normal things (we were out of carrots) seem insurmountable and horrifying. I don't know, dude. But. Bad.

- But today was much better, thanks!

- We've taken to watching (in the absence of DVR and a good Internet connection for streaming) our shows real time (feels so old-fashioned!) and then, well, eventually the show Tosh.0 comes on. And um? I feel like maybe I shouldn't admit this, but it's hysterical. I can't help myself.

- Harps is now 21 months old! It's insane! We've been obsessively looking at pictures of her as a teeny tiny bebe. She is (Exorcist style tantrums aside) a riot these days. Right now she loves, in no particular order: stickers, tying cc's bootlaces into knots, running, putting iPod earbuds in her ear and "jamming", bowls of peas, blueberry muffins, this-little-piggy on her toes, her new Ugg knockoffs, being outside, "reading" Goodnight Moon to herself ("ni ni cats! ni' ni' mouse! ni' ni' moon!"), doing her elaborate secret handshake/kiss routine with cc, holding hands, sleeping in her new bed, hiding in closets, doing puzzles, CARROTS, stairs, music videos, Batman comics, the nude lady statue outside our apartment. She's a complex girl.

- I somehow have 1 pair of pants I can wear without feeling dumb. They are brown corduroys from J. Crew, cc picked out for me at an outlet last winter. Every pair of pants I buy, I take home and they don't fit. What happens between the dressing room and my bedroom? Nobody knows. I do, however, like my shirts?

- Think I need some leftover pizza and orange juice from a wine glass.

Oh, b! (Harper's favorite exclamation)

2011-11-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

After breakfast at the Sugar Bowl. Happy girl at the Republican HQ. Am I raising Alex P. Keaton?

I admit I felt a little glum about our current digs the first few days here. Last week we were in a cozy, decorated-just-how-we-liked bungalow and suddenly we were in an apartment with a smelly hallway and paintings from hell/K-mart in our bedroom and yellow, un-hot water. But then I pulled my grumpy self together (and we got a new water heater) because ... this place is free, dude. Free. Stop yer mumbling and pull yourself together, woman.

Re-arranged the furniture some. Scattered little play stations for Harps (tiny to-die-for IKEA cups/saucers with a doll to feed, stickers/paper, library book piles, crayons/coloring books, train set), stocked the fridge with foods we love, bought a red mum for the mantle, put on some Raffi. It's amazing how much a few days of living and some effort can do to revamp a vibe.

Other than getting settled and un-jetlagged/travel traumatized, we spent the weekend driving around all the little towns we might live in. Trying breakfast places and playgrounds, zipping down side streets and peeking thru windows. I admit I didn't know a dang thing about Connecticut before moving here, but hooooeeeee is it beautiful down here. (See how I call it down? Because I'm from Mass and now spend all my time in Maine? Heh.) This particular section is all along the ocean...but then there's lakes and ponds and creeks and, well, just a hell ton of water. I love water. I missed the water. I'm happy.

Of course with all this loveliness, comes crazy high price tags. So it'll be interesting to see where we choose to settle. Smaller/funkier house, but perfect town? Bigger house/land, but a little more remote? I know you're on the edge of your seats.

Off to bed! Way too late as usual. (I just saw a local news segment about a cat who survived for months alone in an airport? Yeah, it's time to go.)

I haz East Coastness

2011-11-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Double chins! Boyfriend sweater! Snowflake turtleneck! Random house's pumpkins!

Guys. GUYS. We're here! In Connecticut! Alive! We did it. (Barely, it felt, at times.)

Moving ain't easy. Even if you've done it a million times. Even if you think you gots it in the bag. You probably don't. There were slow movers and feisty landlords and hotel pizza parties (and oops! her pack 'n play got packed and I guess she'll be sleeping on a mattress now?) and many processed foods in bags and boxes and a toddler who got lost many times amongst boxes and mattresses and empty closets. I thought I'd learned my lesson about losing that one, but nope. Lost her like 12 times this week.

Oh also? Because of delays (oh, just a blizzard and stuff) in Denver, we got free teevs for our ride. After many many hours of traveling and almost zero minutes of nap, H was approaching DEFCON 1. Desperate to keep her lid on, we found a Tom and Jerry cartoon on the mini screen. Oh my heaven. I've never seen anything sweeter, truly. She was so, so concerned for both T and J. Eyebrows scrunched up and mouth in a frown. "Oh no! OH NO!" as Jerry got smushed by yet another anvil. (And we exchanged looks like um...bad parenting move maybe?) Then she'd get frantic. "More mouse? MORE MOUSE?!" And then he'd come back to life and she'd look so relieved. And then Tom would pour a barrel of fish on his head and she'd bust out laughing. For about 4 seconds. And then back to very, very worried for their health. Oh wow. Best (only good?) part of today.

So yeah. As I sit here, on this fuzzy green couch in our temp housing, I can't believe we just took a one way plane zoom to the East Coast?! Like...not round trip. Like...this is our home now. As our plane descended this afternoon, cc and I looked at each other and seemed to realize at the same time... "We live here." Woh.

Tonight, after 12 hours without food (I did feed my child), we inhaled a huge veggie Indian feast and put Harps to sleep in a big walk-in closet on a down comforter. (Yes, really.) And we took a deep breath, put up our feet, kissed our apologies for all the snapping we both snapped this week, and settled into our new little life.

Last sleep

2011-10-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Climbing trees today in our across-the-street park.

It feels completely unreal that tonight is our last night in this house. Especially because all of our stuff is still out; I'm cozily watching a little teevs in the front room, surrounded by my books and pics and lamps and pretty blue Ikea curtains. All here tonight, all in boxes tomorrow. Thank you life for providing us with packers and movers -- otherwise, I'd probably be in the fetal position, murmuring sweet nothings to my mind-that-was.

Still, it makes the whole thing (surreal already) even stranger. I found myself throughout the weekend trying to explain to Harper this was her last couple nights here, that Denver would soon be a memory. Over a cereal bar and milk (meals are on the decidedly unfancy side lately), I discussed with her our favorite places and people and things we're leaving behind. She just kept looking around frantically for each thing as I named it, so that game ended pretty quickly. Still. I do believe even tiny tiny ones understand more than we think they do, and I like to imagine she's understanding the change even on a vague level.

I wonder how I'll one day look back on this year-and-a-half in Denver. It was an unbelievably challenging time for us (I do hate to be vague with details on this; they're not my details to share...but oh hell, oh yes, things are in a much better place now) and I think it will be hard not to identify this town with all the scary shit that went down. But at the same time, we found a lot of joy here. We had so many little adventures and laughed and laughed. We learned how to be a real family unit, pretty damn indestructible. We watched Harper learn to crawl and then walk and then talk. We got real healthy, we gained a planet of empathy, we changed for the better. I think we'll look back with a smile.

I'm really excited for this move. It feels right. It feels like mama bear's doing the smart thing for her family, putting us all in a stronger position to thrive and grow and take on whatever life wants to throw our way next.

Kapowpow Connecticut kapow!

Last Thursday mile high ...

2011-10-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in my favorite room, the front room. I'mma put up some cute pics before we leave (the ones we lured in Craigslist peeps with), so you can see just how cute. I love it especially because it's the old part of the house, the hundred year part. Weirdly, I've discovered, it's the warmest part. So I'm huddled up here with my hot cocoa (whole milk, I'll have you know, with a peppermint candy melted at the bottom) and my yellow striped sweater and my fists shaking at the Playstation for refusing to play my British mystery on Netflix. So I've turned to the ol' blog instead.

Today we used up our last day of major discounted sporting goods goodness. I would have felt like a complete loser leaving without getting Harps some solid warm stuff for back East so...she scored a couple snow/sledding bibs and a super warm coat and some mittens. I bought myself a hot pink slouchy knit hat.

At one point, as cc and I debated over purple vs pink for her parka, we noticed she was gone. Two minutes ago hiding (pooping) inside of a clothes rack, she was now... no longer. Running/yelling all around the kids section turned up nothing, so my heart started to beat a bit harder. I produced a fast, fast child and wasn't too worried about the kidnapping potential (not because she's so fast no one can catch her - altho maybe? - just that it was more likely she'd bolted) ... but I was worried she'd head for the automatic doors and the parking lot and oh my stop the scary thundercloud thoughts.

I started darting around the clothing racks and shelves, calling her name and asking people for help. Suddenly, a big bulky dude appears and points to the exercise equipment. "I think that might be what you're looking for... I saw a strange small thing dart across the security cameras and came running out." Thanks, security dude!

She was just meandering along the free weights, pointing to the colored ones, naming them, asking "This? This?" Not a care in the world. Scooped her up, smothered her face, gave her a talking to, tried to hide my laughs.

The whole scene was straight out of my mom's and my life, circa 1987-1989, with my little brother T. Sweet Lorna Doone did that kid know how to bolt a scene. How he's a librarian and not a Houdini-type is still surprising to me.

Anywhos, all's well that ends well. Quite certain she learned approximately zero from the whole thing, but miss mama learned she's got a speedy mouse on her hands -- and freestyle pooping under sweatshirts is no longer allowed.

Snow day

2011-10-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Messy, snowday house. Backyard tree bending low, waaaay low.

We woke up this morning and it had snowed like a moth-ah. And it kept snowing all day long, into the late afternoon and early evening. Dibble dibble dop dop dibble dibble dop dop. (Mr. Brown anyone anyone?)

I'd say we got 9 inches? Because most of the leaves are still cozy on their branches, the look was crazy pretty -- trees smooching the sidewalks and branches jumping ship. I took Harps on a walk early this morning after her face lit up at the sight, and some dude scolded me for having her outside under trees. Blergh. Just trying to have a lil fun, meanman. (But he was right, really.)

It was one of those really cozy and nice days, once we accepted we were stuck inside. (Tho we did all sneak out this morning before the roads were too heinous for a deelicious brunch down the street...) We colored and played with stickers and Skyped with my mom and took naps and read books and ate a lot of mushrooms. (She really, really, really loves cooked mushrooms.)

Watchin a little Caillou.

Oh, and HJ and I made a grapefruit-and-honey cake together (from the new Mario Batali cookbook which I am licking with love) and then we all three sat at the white table and enjoyed a slice each. (And then I cleaned the bathtub with the leftover grapefruits because I read about it on Pinterest and I guess it made it cleaner? At least I felt like I was doing something earthy and special.)

And then she went to bed and we tried to stay awake and be hip (watch our shows), but sometimes a full long day inside is weirdly exhausting. So it's 9:00 and I'm typing this in bed and I think cc is already asleep. I'm trying to take deep breaths and focus on what a happy day we had and not on this friend...situation that makes brain dribble out my ears. Because it's all going to be behind me in a week -- and life's too short to let your brain dribble. Preach!

(And apropos of nothing side note I realized with a startle today: No one ever tells you being a mom means getting super excited for UPS to come so you can see her try out a new kind of sippy you ordered on Amazon. No one tells you this.)

Safety first

2011-10-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Guys. It's impossible to be too safe. (And backward is cuter, duh.)

What a strange week we're having. Lame duck status in your own home feels weird. I'm being really lazy about the dishes and laundry and everything else cleaning related because, well, who cares? I'll be out in 5 days and then a massive cleaning crew is coming? Tough to get jazzed for sweeping when random dudes are about to bust through your door and pack all your pots and pans and toothpastes into boxes labeled Cohen. Or Dowan. Depending on what mood they're in.

I've said most of my goodbyes and now we're just waiting to hurdle over a couple more hurdles before we hop on a plane and fly East. (Um, we should probably buy those tickets, cc?) I'm finding it hard to really believe we'll be over in another land come a week -- just like I found it hard to believe I was graduating high school or college when I still had 5 major papers to write and 12 missing library books to find under my bed. Until it's all wrapped up in a bow and done done done, I won't really think it's real. But hey, I do have that BU diploma hiding out somewhere (in my mom's closet maybe?), so if it happened before it'll happen again...Right?

Night, lovelies.

Weekend in review

2011-10-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend we:

Munched on waffles (the best I've ever had, no joke. If you live/are visiting Denver, run-don't-walk to Waffle Brothers!) with the Evans'. Harps is falling more and more in lurve with Naveen these days (grabbed his hand as we left and wouldn't let go), so it's even sadder to say goodbye. However, we're probably only a few months away from them sneaking out their bedroom windows to rendezvous at midnight, so Clay's probably relieved.

Ate up at our favorite sushi place. (Notice a theme here? I tend to really miss the food we leave behind, so I'm on a frantic tour of our standbys.) As usual, HJ crushed: seaweed salad, tofu, edamame, tempura, and -- her first -- mango mochi. She keeps asking if we'd reconsider Connecticut and head to Japan instead.

Lots of reading and cuddles. The mornings and nights around here are getting chilly, making snuggles that much cozier inside. Cheddar bunnies and raisins in a paper cup. Hand-me-down turtlenecks from b eloved bloggy friends.

Not pictured: Feeding the ducks at Wash Park (she alternates eating the stale raisin bread and throwing it at their heads), mucho sidewalk chalk drawing, waving to the grizzlies and seals and giraffes at the Denver Zoo with our pals (I hate goodbyes), kicking around a pink soccer ball at the park, and long naps. And avoiding my laundry mountain.

I can't really say I've done too much in the way of obvious prep for our almost-here move... But! The most important things have been done. We are officially OFF OUR LEASE after some serious struggles with our d*ckhead landlord. Wee! We've got the packers/movers scheduled to come and a lease ready-to-sign for our temporary housing in Connecticut. The rest is just... details? Let's hope.

Here's to a good week...and a Texas World Series!

Thursday's always been my favorite day

2011-10-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

Coloring at the park with Dada. (Body art is much more interesting, however.)

Happy Thursday, trusty friends!

Right now, I'm:

Eating my third "fun size" (not fun enough) Butterfinger of the morning. Durn Halloween.
Listening to Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat. Every morning, dudes.
Wearing in my new Target flowery thermal shirt. I get a couple every few months at 15ish dolla a pop and wear 'em to death.
Listening to HJ and cc play quietly together in the upstairs loft. And suddenly a huge thump. Uh.
Looking forward to getting my hairs did this afternoon.
Giddy for Project Runway tonight. Team...I don't know? I miss Anthony Ryan.
Reading pages of this book.
Closing the computer for a long walk in the yellow leaves with my lady.

Oh, but don't we all need a little Harper right now?

2011-10-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

Girlfriend loves her some pumpkins.

Thaaank you all for the well wishes on moving! I'm just happy and peaceful about it all -- ready to take it on and make it work Tim Gunn style. I'm not so into the awkward stuff that comes with moving, however. Just the... goodbyes and the getting-out-of-leases and the feeling that you're mildly upsetting people all over the place. Ew. We've got a couple serious applicants looking to take over our house, tho, so fingers crossed that particular obstacle will be karate chopped soon...

Now! Onto the delicious picture above. Don't you love when a plan comes together? As in, you have a romantic idea of pumpkin picking and your tiny person actually goes along with it and happily? This is not exactly reliable (you will love this Indian pudding I loved as a kid! No...no I won't, mom) and so I appreciate it wholly when it happens.

Harps flippin loved the pumpkins. Picking each one up, lovingly caressing them, sitting, posing. A little happy pumpkin person with flurffy blonde hair! The girl is mine mine mine, the girl is mine.

And while we're at it, here's a lil video from this morning. (Before we hit full speed ahead on cleaning up and showing our house to 12 million people.) She's going thru her little alphabet puzzle pieces... My favorite part, very subtle but you can maybe catch it, is around the 58 second mark -- when she gives me this look after realizing I'm taping her. She is always onto me. Always.

Press play on some David Bowie

2011-10-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

Our daily walk.

Your trusty gypsy lady is packing up her hobo bag (the kind on a stick you sling over your shoulder while smoking a corncob pipe and kicking a can) and heading East with her family.

Weeeeeee!

It's true, friends. We've officially lost our minds and are officially moving yet again. This time it's for keepsies, though. (Okay, I'm making no permanent claims on exact city or state for 10+ years, but the general area, yes!)

The lurvely and handsome and so-smart-it's-kind-of-annoying cc snagged a great gig at a company in Connecticut and we're packing up all our little and big things next month to head that way. It's kind of unbelievably exciting and great, but also stressful and small parts sad. While it's no secret I've been angling to get back near my people since life changed in some major ways (that'd be with baby and health stuff), once the decision had been made (last week) I got an instant pang about leaving my pretty little bungalow and the people who have been so good to us during such a crazy year.

Changes, even when they're ones you want, are bumpy feeling. Harps will tell you all about it -- her least favorite thing in all the land are transitions. (Hold onto your head if you try and get her to leave somewhere. Or change activity. Or put on a sweatshirt.)

So! Yes! Wild and nuts, no? And hilarious that we're moving to definitely the WASPiest and yuppiest place on planet earth. (But also v close to NYC via train. I will be seeing Alvin Ailey shows whenever I damn well please huzzah!)

Cue an insane month!

Out to eat

2011-10-13T04:15:00.000-07:00

If she's got crayons and a coloring book (or random napkin scrap) she'll stay pretty focused and content. If the restaurant doesn't have 'em, we can play sugar packet games or move around the hot sauce bottles. There's also sipping water ("izzzzzzy" if it's sparkling) and crunching ice. We can get time to move along, but it's fairly exhausting.

I need to pull my act together, bite the bullet, and make a Kid Kit for all our eating out adventures. Come on, BabySitter's Club fans. You know you're out there.

Could I get dorkier? No.

2011-10-11T06:11:00.000-07:00


Meghan, Cal, Steph, moi, Nik. (Reuinted and it feels so gooooooood.)

Sunday I attended a seriously gorgeous wedding in the woods of Massachusetts. The ceremony was by a pond, we chatted under towering pines, and finished the night toasting s'mores around a campfire. Hello. But best of all, I got to catch up with many of my best friends from growing up. Dude, I chose wisely back then because I still love these ladies (and fellas) and would make them my own again, 15+ years later. I talked and laughed and talked and laughed and it was great. (And exhausting. I actually got in the car and cried for a second before going home? It was...too much to process or something.)

Okay but also. Look at the picture up top. Ain't we cute? But also. Why am I so dorky? Why am I holding a beer bottle like I'm 12 and it's my first time drinking? (12 was not my first time drinking -- don't worry, parental units. I was much too busy reading Johnny Tremain alone in my room and listening to Abbey Road on repeat.) And what's up with my legs akimbo stance? I was gettin ready to do my booty shake dance that showed up a couple hours later on the dance floor, I s'pose...

Anywho. Awesome night dot com. And I'm a nerd. Bye!

Ack! I haz blog, don't I?

2011-10-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

Little Orphan Annie enjoys a grape.

Woah! Major radio silence. Lo siento! Forgot to mention ahead of time, but cc and HJ and I went on (and the latter ladies are still on) a top secret mission trip. I'm semi serious. I'm also sort of feeling lazy about recounting all the travel, so for now I'll just say we've been everywhere in New England ever and boy are my arms tired.

I made the strange decision not to bring a computer, so I can only typey type when I can steal/borrow a loaner and it hasn't been often.

Right now, I'm so honkin tired I can't even. Second night in a row of solo drivin to a wedding (with both ways being 2 hours) and I can't really see straight. Pretty sure I heard that Adele song 25,000 times and pretty sure I was okay with it every single one.

By the way, do you ever behave in a super-mature-for-you way and look around to get a high five or something? But then of course no, no one but your mom would probably do that. So you just give yourself little mini high fives in the bathroom stall and drink some more coffee? That just happened. It was nice!

Off to snooze land. I'll get back on this!

Mister R

2011-10-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

Does she look sad here? That's just her look of complete engrossment, no worries. I introduced her to a little Mister Rogers today -- her first taste of my favorite, favorite person. I wasn't sure if she'd like it just yet (it's very very gentle, which I love) but of course she did, of course. As soon as he walked in the door and started singing and putting on his cardigan and changing his shoes, she was hooked.

And now, the familiar sounds of Lady Elaine Fairchild and King Friday are wafting this way and it's filling me with the most intense and happy nostalgia for my own faraway days of little persondom. Sharing these tiny things from my life with her just feels cozy. Perfect for a rainy, lazy Monday.

In case you were wondering what kind of 7th grader I was

2011-09-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today in music class (which I love I lurve! If you have a kidperson and a Music Together franchise near you, t-r-y it) the teach started by asking what our favorite tracks on the CD are. Silence, silence... As usual, I try to wait so I'm not the first one to answer. And...nothing.

Okay fine.

"We love track 23, the City Blues song." (In my head: I list off our 4 or 5 other favorites.)

"Yea! We'll be doing that one today. Great jam." (Oh yes, he says things like this.) "Any other favs?"

Silence. (In my head: My brain explodes. These suckas aren't listening to the CD at home? It's, like, the whole methodology of the class! Deep breaths deep breaths.)

He gives up and talks.

"Welllllll...my favorite? Is the train song." (Starts to strum it on his guitar. Ooo! This is my other top favorite.) "I love it because it doesn't sound like a children's song. It's so soulful."

(In my head: Surely, he's going to explain how it's not a children's song, really? How it's an African-American spiritual about the Underground Railroad?)

Nope. Keeps strumming and changes over to the welcome song. The other moms sigh relief sighs as they realize they're not on the spot anymore.

(In my head: Another brain explosion. This teacher is great -- the best kiddo instructor I've yet met -- but c'mon! A perf time for a mini-lesson and nuthin! Not even sure he knows what the song is, which makes me sad. And the other blank faces around the circle let me know they're clueless, too. Blergh.)

And off I go, singing our songs and dancing our moves and ignoring the grey matter leaking out my ears.

Harps gets contacts

2011-09-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

So Harpsmeister has been pretty cranky these past couple days. Not awful cranky, just...off. Normal good times and then just ah! Please hurry home from work, cc! I need to have 5 seconds off from negotiating with toddler person! (Over "one mo' *insert anything desirable but not appropriate for dinnertime-almost-bedtime*)...

I mean last night, we seriously had a real altercation over her wanting to play with eggs from the fridge. "EGG! EGG! EGG!" (All said with this weird guttural oomph she gives "egg" and "apple" and a bear growling.) Did she want me to cook her one, which I'd have done gladly? No. Just hold it and fondle it and break it and no. Ah! Go to bed! Stop asking for everything and really wanting nothing! We've been together for 13 hours ah!

(In her defense, she may be coming down with something. We'll know in the morning. As tonight we spotted some...spots. Oh my please no.)

But then, well...then she does stuff like this. Finds my contact case and pretends she's me. All remnants of frustration poof poof away. (Till tomorrow evening, alas...)

(And my apologies that cc makes me turn down the Huey Lewis. I mean....yeah. I know. Some people!)

School days

2011-09-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday blues anyone? Mine are a lot less severe now that I don't work anymore and cc doesn't hop on planes every Monday morning. But still...weekends are a nice time, ay?

We walked to brunch on Saturday, spent a lot of time crunching newly yellow leaves outside, ate 12 million portions of the veggie lasagna I made, caught up on all the delish TV that started this week. Sunday: slept in (me) while my two got brek and did a Target run (he brought me home a bag of Pumpkin Spice Dunkin Donuts coffee and fresh beignets from Lucille's ah WHAT), and then all three adventured on a long bike ride around Wash Park... stopping to feed the ducks some goldfish-knockoff-bunnies and slide down the slide. (And crunch more leaves.) Wrapped up the evening playing with shaving cream on her little table and one...more...help...me...lasagna meal. Whew.

Snapped a few pics of H sammich partaking in her new hobby. Obsessive lettering. (That's what I'm calling it because is it reading? No 'course not. It's...letter recognizing and reciting. She knows 'em all! But doesn't love 'em all. O and M get major play time. Also T.)

An action shot! "E" coming out those little cute lips...

Ahahhaha. Her "ba-pa" that was for school. Now just for...casual Saturdays?

Another action shot with her puzzle pieces. "R!"

She crazy.

Mostly putting this here so I don't forget it

2011-09-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

I know exactly one Tori Amos song. No idea why it's this one (a BU friend, I think, frosh year introduced me to it -- Emily Strange, was it you?!) but I listened to it incessantly (on Napster!) and never branched out for more. And then could never remember what it was called. But here it is! I still love it love it love it. And want to choreograph a mad modern piece to it. (In fact, I am right now. The things this living room sees when she naps...)

This face is my breakfast lunch dinner and second dinner

2011-09-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

Feel like I'm extra swoony over HJ lately... Avert your eyes if you're looking for a bag to yuck in, yo!

Also, I'm unable NOT to say "mummy's tiiiiii-red" to cc, multiple times after she's asleep for the night and we're vegging, eating ice cream under blankets. Nothing keeps the love alive like referring to yourself as mummy, people. (Also holey sweatpants, belonging to your brother 10 years ago.) Mummaymmmamay!

I also need to understand how it's okay that Oliver-from-Project-Runway can speak in a British accent even though he's from Ohio and no one cares or comments?!

Oh and my favorite moment of today? (Other than toddler yoga, where we worked on her handstand weeeeeee!) Checking out at Whole Foods (I bought out all the cheese on this earth, making a lasagna for a friend) the cashier says to Harps: "What you snackin' on there, woman?"

It was awesome.

Aaaaaand scene.

Flibbidy gib

2011-09-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

"Love them or hate them? The big changes Facebook is making!"

So said the local anchorman on a commercial break from my beloved shows' season premiere night. (Weeeeeeee!) Quick q: WHY DO PEOPLE WATCH LOCAL NEWS?! I can't even deal that that sentence just came out of a "professional" newsman's mouth. As a fellow human, I do not know where to look.

(I don't even watch non-local news. I read it. Much faster and much less heart attack inducing.)

Didn't mean to go on a news vent.

Just meant to show ya this pic of Harper Junebug Ham Sammich Queen Bee. This face is so her.

Out on her walk. Examining hey-ho-knows-what in her grubby hands. Furrowed brow. Tasty cheeks. Deep thoughts. Rinse repeat.

She has been on this absolutely insane learning bender the past week or two. (And I mean, all babies the first few years are always learning learning learning of course...) But it's just kicked up a few hundred notches. She does not stop chattering (much of it her own weird language, but a good amount English too) and asking what everything is and getting so frustrated (read: lie down in the sidewalk and kick) if I'm not answering exactly what she's asking. And remembering weird things from days before and combining the ideas and concepts and never stops churning churning wheels grinding. I have to suck on lozenges all day to keep up with the level of (vocal) interaction she needs -- and hey, happy to do it... Just zzzzzzzzz. I should be falling asleep at 8 these days, not 11.

Whew. Toddlers. They are special little robots that make my heart explode.

One of HJ's walls

2011-09-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

If ya click on the picture, gets a lot bigger. (Apologies on the light glares -- blergh!)

Oh, a few pictures and stories from my Monday

2011-09-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

I meaaaaaaaaaaaaan the cheeks! The Kewpie hawk! The cleft-in-her-chin-from-cc! The rosy lips! I have to physically hold myself back from eating her entire face after she wakes up and looks like this.

I'm really confused, but while looking for an orange crayon today, I found this lipstick I bought pre-pregnancy, at MAC in San Fran. The lipstick I've looked high and low and middle for the past two years. But then... it was in my junk drawer, a thousand miles from where I bought it? No no, of course. I'll probably never wear it again because I'm a wimp, but it made for a very fancy Monday afternoon. (And yes, I'm always tired.. but those dark circles have been on my face since I was 7. Blame the Lebanese in me?)

This is the pinkest picture ever, probably. Harps and cc's mom, hanging and reading in their jammies. Aw.

If I give you 12 (okay, probably 2) dollars, will you please come over and clean this for me? She's in bed and I really don't want to put the caps on all those markers and gather up the books and put together the puzzles and sweep the floors and put Big Bird back on the couch. I want to watch my stories and sip hot tea. Non?

Ni ni!

A handful of small letters

2011-09-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Cotton Candy at the Fall Festival,
Thank you for making my baby so happy. And her face so blue.

Dear Insane Waitress at Potager Restaurant,
Thank you for providing us with a story we'll never forget, sista. You are either 100% socially inept and/or your dog just died and you wanted to take it out on us. Either way! You made me cry ugly tears, but now I just feel sorry for you. Later!

Dear d Bar,
Thank you for rescuing our night with your delicious cupcakes. I loved the yellow cake with chocolate frosting the mostest.

Dear cc,
Thank you for buying HJ this crazy huge Elmo balloon. She wants to marry it and that takes the pressure off real dating for a few years. Also, thank you for sleeping with the bad side of the comforter always. Also, you are really cute. Also, I love my new red mug.

Dear MIL,
Thank you for babysitting while we had our weird date. And thank you for all the long walks and baths and reading-of-the-books you did with Harps. Gave me a much needed break.

Dear salted caramel mocha from Starbucks,
Oh my God. No. You taste like my favorite drink in 11th grade from Cumberland Farms. Frown.

Dear legwarmers I'm knitting H,
I hope you turn out as cute as you seem. I guess I can always make you an arm warmer for me if you're not?

Dear mini Boden catalog,
Stop trying to take all my moneys! You are too scrumptious ah! Stop it.

Love and other indoor sports,

BJA

The Little House

2011-09-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today is the lovely Krista's berfday, so when I saw Harps reading this book tonight (sent to her by Ms K), I quickly snapped a shot. It's one of her very favorites, one of her go tos for the manic reading fests she gets into.

I love when she starts a self-play sesh, because for 10 or 20 sometimes 30 minutes, I can kick back with some knitting or tea or even talk on the phone for a bit while she's happily occupied (usually talking to herself in this teeny tiny little voice, saying whoknowswhat). Mama bliss!

And hey no, thought I'd get this out of the way -- I didn't send Harps to school today. I tossed and turned some last night, but woke up this morning knowing it wasn't happening. If she were 3, 4, or 5 and I was really "not sending her to school" I'd brace myself for judgment, but I'm hoping peeps just realize she's a little babe still (19 months!) and it was supposed to be a treat for me instead of something really developmentally necessary for her. (Girlfriend is right on track socially, gots no worries there.)

But.. lesson learned I've gotta get her comfy with me leaving sometimes. And I do still want some time during the week to take a yoga class or get my hairs did; but I'mma start slower. This way had her tossing and turning for a week straight (crying out "no! no!" in her sleep) and desperate for me when I left to use the bathroom. Which I can't have! I must have those solo play sessions or I die! Plus, she didn't sleep straight thru 11 hours (her norm) till last night. It was like newborn lifestyle for a week! Heck no. Mama needs her rest and peace of mind. I know she'd eventually adjust, but psssshhh. Not into it.

And so, well rested at last, we stayed in our pajamas all day. Had some friends over. Ate treats on the couch together, Skyped with my mom, snoozed at the same time, went to the park with a coupla other pals and slid down puddle covered slides, colored (our arms), made dinner with Raffi in the background. Cozy sauce.

Tomorrow cc's mom cruises into town = Harps will soon have a full time servant. (Or so is my plan.) Looks like some luscious fall weather's en route as well -- hope for you as well. Happy weekend!

My pensive teen

2011-09-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder if he'll call...

Along with books, tofu, pushing-her-stroller, the red monster, Huey Lewis dance parties, and climbing inappropriately high things, Harps is obsessed with jamming out to tunes in my car. In the front seat. While I drive super fast. (While it's parked.)

We walk past the Subie and she starts to ask for it and if it's not too hot out and if I'm in the mood, I'll open 'er up and start up the tunes. She sits and listens like so if it's a good one, or flips through until she finds one to her liking. If I let her, she'd keep this up for hours. May I ask when she turned 15?

In other news... GUYS my teevs finally snagged the episode of Family Ties where Tom Hanks guest stars as an alcoholic uncle jonesing so bad he has to chug a bottle of vanilla from the pantry. I saw this when I was 7 or 8 and have been intensely haunted by it ever since. And it is so intense and well acted holy woot! So what I'm trying to tell you, is a dream has come true for me tonight. Let's hug.

What else what else...

I think the hardest part about solo parenting is when night rolls around and I have no one to smooch all night. And by smooch I mean...run out to Dairy Queen and buy me a mini chocolate blizzard with cookie dough. I s'pose I'm supposed to make do with hot chocolate, but that just makes me frown.

So I'll be over here, wishing my hot chocolate had a huge dollop of Fluff on it, and looking embarrassingly forward to the start of music class fall sesh tomorrow. (What will be on the new CD???) Dorkpants out!

Oh I'm so happy, so very happy to be on this couch/home/drinking a juice box

2011-09-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

Small person! Giant chair!

Hey, guys? Whenever I'm feeling blue on myself, please remind me how incredibly kick ass I am at traveling solo with a toddler and lots of bags and creating dinners from stale Starbucks offerings and also looking sorta cute as it's happening? (Um yes! Of course those stares were because of my hotness, not my complete-losing-my-noodle-should-we-rescue-her?-ness).

Because while our trip out to Sun V was with both parental units, the return trip was me and me alone. And my sidekick. cc has a work trip and so ladies night! For a couple nights! And a plane ride? (I'm delirious right now, I think?)

But by the end, 7 hours after saying bye to cc, as she's happily sucking down her weird supper, I'm pulling my suitcase and her pack 'n play in one hand and her-inside-her-stroller in the other... I was like hot damn sauce I'm awesome. I wasn't even crying! Well, maybe a little.

Oh but our trip! Our trip was fun. It was beautiful out there in Idaho, with the chilly mornings and all the deer and the wolf (WOLF) that ran in front of our car the first night (we drove 3 hours that first night after our flight, arriving at at 1 amz. Harps was awake the entire time, which was actually mostly hilarious instead of annoying for some unremembered reason). We were really just there to hang someplace pretty with our friends Jon and Steph (the ones Clay married! and the ones who were in Missouri when I went into preterm labor stuff...and she continued to check my cervix after we got home because she's a midwife holy hell that's friendship) who we adore adore adore. And I don't really adore a lot of people, so! Fun.

I NEED to post a picture of cc in his waders (waders? waiters? waterz?) because he and Jon went fly fishing and ah! The hilarity and cuteness. Kill me dead. (Steph and I ate brunch out with Harps and then talked for 12,000 hours on the couch with cups of tea.)

Are you wondering how I'm feeling about Harps' school stuff? Me too! Meh. I'mma play it by ear. I think (know) whichever way I roll, girlfriend will be fine and sweating it too much is borderline insane.

I think that's it outta me. I'm loving this couch I'm on so hard. And the rain pounding down on my roof. And the cozy bed with the soft sheets awaiting me upstairs. And the silence down the hall from my sleeping toddler who was a complete angel on the flight with nothing to entertain her but a Sky Mall magazine and two dum dum pops.

Hearts, my loves.

Sun Valleying

2011-09-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Back tomorrow! (Thanks for all your words re: Harps and school; feeling better about the whole thing...remind me not to get so emo before a few deep breaths ahem...)

So Harper...how'd you like school?

2011-09-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

My pretty treat after a teary drop-off.

And her answer would be...not so much, guys! Not so much.

Girlfriend was not pleased when I left (nor was I, truthfully) and when I picked her up 4 hours later, she was...crying. And: "Mumamamammamamamaaaaaaa!" I think part of that was hearing my voice outside the door, but the teachers did report she was on/off sad the whole time. Kind of makes me pukey to hear that, but I wasn't exactly surprised and hey, I know she'll adjust. (I guess?) Blergh.

Still...she was so happy to see me and so into her sandwich (hunger strike during school, apparently) and just so pleased to be back in love again, it made me feel like I'd subjected her to medieval torture instead of a delightful little play day with graham crackers and teapot sets. Double blergh.

I don't know. I'm feeling sadder than I'm letting on... because she wouldn't nap all day and now she won't fall asleep -- she's too scared to be away from me. She's screaming and sweaty and anxious and clinging to me and I'm not even a little bit annoyed. I'm just guilty and ... sad. Just sad. And thinking she just might not be ready for this.

I know most everyone will tell me it's an adjustment and she'll get over it, but my heart is heavy tonight. I'm proud of my mothering; I work really hard everyday at creating a life for her that is peaceful and creative and silly and happy. It's my job. So when she's feeling just the opposite of those things, it makes me feel like I'm failing. And I can't always see what's happening just yet -- are these growing pains or is this a mistake? Is this a path to better things for us both or the beginning of bitten baby nails?

It didn't help that my friend from playgroup picked her son up at the same time and? The teacher handed him over with: "Not a tear! Not one!" What the flip? How? I love this friend, tho, because she was zero smug. "He'll have his days. I know he will." Maybe...or maybe not.

But what did I do during my time off? I got a treat and then I ate it on my couch. I took out the trash and folded some of her clothes. I played Car Talk loud on the speakers (those guys make her nervous) and plucked my eyebrows. I put on mascara. I went to therapy. (Go me for scheduling a session during a decidedly emo time.) I perused expensiveyugly boutique clothes and then I bought a sandwich. And then it was time to pick her up. It was nice. I didn't wring my hands or cry in the fetal position; I actually relaxed and had a fine time.

Post eyebrow fixing and mascara applying. Ha.

I sure looked a little prettier with some solo time.

Tomorrow my little family boards a plane for a long weekend in Sun Valley, Idaho. I've never been to Idaho! Whose a 'ho? It will be fun to see our friends and get fresh air and kick up our legs. I'll try and take some fotos.

And now, my newly-arrived-from-Portland-Maine chamomile and lavender tea awaits my mopey mouth. Smush.

2011-09-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Um that up there? That's my baby, doing downward dog on...a placemat.

I was unloading the dishwasher when I looked over to see her rooting through my basket of dirty cloth napkins and dishtowels. Clay had put a little pile of placemats on top and she'd uncovered them. The rectangularness and little tiny ridges must have reminded her of a yoga mat and so...off she went. I wish so hard I'd had a video going, tho. "Om. Om. Om." I love that weird little nugget pants so hard.

Tomorrow is her first day of "school" and I alternate between being really excited and ready for those few hours to myself and panicked. I'm glad today was what today was, tho. She was fussy and tired and wasn't interested in her usual interests and kept asking for "Elmooooohhhhhh?" after she'd had her allotment and got her brand new shoes soaking wet 5 seconds after stepping outside and took forever to fall asleep at nap and then perfectly put on the charm whenever dada was around (lunchtime kisses and then dinnertime Ghostbuster dancing).

I was so tired today; my legs were lead each time I sat/stood during diaper changes and when I had a break, I could only stare into space. And I talked to uno adult: The crazy checkout lady at Target who, after wishing me a good morning, started talking about how much she's dreading the 9/11 anniversary on Sunday. "Is it going to be as hard a day for you as it is for me?" There's no right answer, lady.

So yes! Long and tired day with my be-lov-ed banana. Followed by, hopefully, a semi-scary but easier one tomorrow... Keep ya posted.

7 Post Meme

2011-09-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

The lovely and salty (truly a sista-from-another-mista) Laura, over at Navigating the Mothership (one of my favorite flavors on all the Internets), nominated me for this 7 post Meme -- and by gum, I'mma get 'er done! Tonight! (I never do these things, so accept this as my love letter to you, L.)

The whole idea is to get a bunch of bloggers from all over the 'webs to look back at their archives and share old (and maybe forgotten) material. It's a fun way to remember all the crazy things you've written about and to introduce parts of yourself peeps might not know about.

Rules:
1) Blogger is nominated to take part
2) Blogger publishes his/her 7 links on his/her blog – 1 link for each category.
- Your most beautiful post
– Your most popular post
– Your most controversial post
– Your most helpful post
– A post whose success surprised you
– A post you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved
– The post that you are most proud of
3) Blogger nominates up to 5 more bloggers to take part.
4) These bloggers publish their 7 links and nominate another 5 more bloggers
5) And so it goes on!
6) The site Trip Base is sharing the best posts from participating bloggers on their blog and everyday on Facebook and Twitter at #My7Links

Here's goes!

Most Beautiful

There were a few -- mostly to do with Miss H pants -- that I thought of, but for some reason I really like this one. I just remember that day so clearly. The drizzle on my face, the quiet of the early morning, feeling her kick as I walked, treading slowly in my green boots, picking out little treats, looking out at the water and taking deep breaths.

Most Popular

My most comment-heavy posts are definitely Harps related, but none more so than when we found out she was a she! It was such a fun day (I will always find out the gender of babes in my belly -- I just lovedloved knowing) and I remember cc was posting little hints in the comment section and teasing people. Here ya go.

Most Controversial

I hardly write a controversial blog, friends. I think if I had millions of readers and they really dug into the archives, they'd find something to get angry about (I used to say terrible things about San Francisco's Chinatown, for example), but these days especially I'm pretty tame. However! Upon starting this little challenge, I remembered that way back in my first months of blogging (5 years ago!) I had this reader that hated my nuts. Read every post and said something horrible afterward. I'm guessing it was someone I knew? But after a few months, Anonymous Pants left me alone...Anywho! Here's an example.

Most Helpful

I'm no Pioneer Woman. I think I've posted one recipe (yogurt, recently) and have I even ever done a tutorial on cloth dipes or traveling with a baby or anything? I think no? So this one was hard to come up with. I'm going to go totally random and link up a post that still makes me laugh -- and claim it's helpful because...maybe you'll know what to do if you go into early labor in rural Missouri? Uh.

Whose Success Surprised Me

This is funny, because I think Laura's pick for this was also hair related... Who knew people cared so much about my bangs? (And yes, I got them and no, they didn't look good.)

Didn't Get the Attention It Deserved, Dammit

What a funny concept. Why didn't you all LOVE THIS POST MORE?! *sob heave sob* I chose this one because I reveal how I met cc and it didn't get uno comment. Which was a little surprising, I s'pose. Tho really I'm just grasping at straws here because this category makes me uncomfortable. Excuse the weird font stuff -- I was in an Experimental Stage.

And finally:

Most Proud Of

A month before I got preggers and we moved to that apartment in the sky and it pretty much sums up...me. (I didn't get ANY this year. Tragedy!)

And she's done! Now I'mma tag a few of my favs to do the same...

1) In high school, we once had the conversation: "No...you're the Mary and I'm the Rhoda!" The too gorgeous and makes-me-spit-out-my-tea when she says stuff Nikki over at The Bra Factory.

2) One of my most favorite and kindred spirits I've met through the Internets. Her family and life are a delight to read about: Mandy over at The M. DeWilde Family.

3) Miss Kalen Pants over at Momfish. We go way back in cyber years and I love her (and her dimples) in a real way. (I wish she'd access her old bloggy, which had some definitely spicy/controversial stuff -- but alas, I fear it's gone...)

4) We once got drunk and hid inside a wall to escape the "police"... She also has amazing fashion sense and the best bum I've ever seen. Michaela over at My World in a Paper Cup.

5) This girl is so effing funny. We went to acting school together and girl is good. She's about to have a baby boy any second now... a home birth hurray! I can't wait to hear every single insane detail. Kimberly over at.. Over It.

Quite happy tomorrow is already Tuesday and you?

2011-09-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a lengthier post -- I was tagged to do a 7 post meme -- but it's taking Her Slowness awhile to pull it all together. So for now, a few words on the weekend.

Poor Chesney was sick for part of it; some weird stomach bug took her over for 12ish hellish hours, but then as quick as it came it quick took a hike. This made sleep (and being alive, frankly) a little bit wonkyjanky for us all, but I made up for the hard nights with massive naps on all three days. Which felt awesome.

Clay got a bee in his man bonnet and became a tornado of decorating/organizing/amazing'ing. Like, hours of cleaning and pitching and sorting and then solo Ikea'ing and picture hanging and furniture assembling. Bananas! Our place was still rough around the edges, but they're much smoother now. We've got some rull cute things going: will post pics soon.

Mural at Watercourse Foods. Love love love.

We ate a delish late lunch at our fav veggie place. Harps wasn't happy in the booster seat till we whipped out the crayons. She drew secrets under the table in a little notebook I found in my bag.

"I heart..."

And then she inhaled most of my salad. Well, mostly the mushrooms off it.

Afterward, I tried an iced soy latte and found it nutty and delish who knew ah who am I becoming?!

We shopped at dada's work's annual majorsale thing. H scored a jacket and a winter hat, which -- tho in the 80's -- she wouldn't take off.

Today we did more house stuff and lounged and walked the 'hood and danced to Huey Lewis. And when the temps cooled, had over cc's cousin, recent Texas transplant, for some homemade portabello burgers and sweet potato fries and (oh yes, I went there) vegan cookies. My first attempt at vegan baking and pretty taste, methinks. (Tho I'll cut way down on the sugar next time. My teeth sort of ached during cookie #2). He was a good sport about the meatless meal and we had a nice time catching up with the young dude.

And now? Now I pat my cookiefull belly, pray for HJ to sleep through the night, and dream of the juicer en route in the mail. (Beware: Adventures in juicing coming soon to a blog near you and you and you!)

What'd you guys do?

This morning

2011-09-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

She woke up too early again. I'm blaming teeth, but at some point it's just her new wake time, I fear.

We read books in bed with dadpants after eating our oatmeal.

Put on our checkered Vans (gift from last year) and took 'em for a walk into the chilly (yes!) morning. Still too big. Bum!

Plan on cleaning up the living room and kitchen before playgroup arrives at 10...

Plan on taking a bath before people see my hair look like this...

But for now, halfandhalfheavy coffee and the Sesame Street crew singing a strangely delightful tune.

Happy (hopefully) long weekend, peoples!

Veggie life: work in progress

2011-09-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

Here's an example of something I made for dinner this week.

Spinach salad with yogurt dressing. (Homemade yogurt + curry + salt + pepper.)
Quinoa with currants and chopped onions.
Carrots roasted with evoo and salt/pepper.

It was tasty. (And pretty!) But not filling enough for dinner. Needed more protein (and more fat, honestly.) I'd bought some soy nuts and forgot to put them on; they would have helped. Mixing some beans in with the quinoa and adding some avocado would have, too -- as would tofu or one of those other weird textured proteins I'm having a hard time making peace with.

I had better belly-filling-success with the goat cheese/mushroom quesadillas I made the next night, a bowl of black bean soup on the side. And tonight will be whole wheat spaghetti, marinara sauce, fresh basil from our creepy hydrogrower thing, and a bit of cheese sprinkled on top. Need to use up the spinach, so I'll make us eat salad, too. (Yes, I'm relying on cheese too much for fat/protein. Blergh.)

Oh oh but my funniest meal was last night. cc had a work dinner and I was starving at 5:00. HJ doesn't really like boxed mac 'n cheese (crazy), but I had some Annie's in the cupboard and I was feeling otherwise clueless. Whipped some up in the saucepan and then sauteed down a head of kale in the skillet (with evoo, s + p). Then I mixed it together and ate it? The kale was chewier than I'd like and hard for her to eat -- thoughts on this? I love the taste and flavor combo, but felt like a cow.

And now, I must attend to her Highness.

Mommy dating: Part who knows

2011-08-31T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's not new/news that I'm always on the lookout for mom friends -- well, compatible-with-me mom friends. Aside from a couple real friends in town, I've got my playgroup and peeps I recognize/chat with at the park and such...but I wouldn't mind having 1 or 2 more mamas to hang with (specifically during the day) and actually talk about stuff other than kids with. (Sorry I ended that sentence with with.) I was interested in that anyways, but then one of my good pals moved away and another went back to work full time -- so friendship time has been feeling especially sparse.

Yesterday, I spotted a (I thought) hip mom at the park. She looked my age (versus the very common late thirties/early forties moms that abound -- who are awesome I'm sure, but they seem so established and usually have 2-3 kids already and a huge house and are just at a different life stage..) and was wearing a skirt over pants (one of my fav looks, even tho an ex once described it as "the worst look on you ever") and had a beautiful bird tattoo on her forearm (be warned, people, I've become obsessed with arty tattoos) and was being so gentle and loving with her baby (and wasn't on her phone). Then we chatted a little bit and she was funny and had a cute little Midwestern accent and I loved her.

Just as I was crafting my pick-up line ("You...from around here?" "You...like stuff?") another mom asked her how old the baby was.

"Oh, he's 14 months. I'm his nanny and..."

Who knows what she said after that, it all turned to Charlie Brown wunh wunh wunh, because sigh. Nanny. I used to be one, so I'm quite sure making mom friends isn't high on her to-do list. She goes home to her bed at night and hangs with her non-mom friends and sleeps soundly and doesn't eat crusty macaroni and cheese for dinner. Sigh. Bye bye, pretty bird tattoo! My fantasies of running hand in hand thru fields of daisies, sipping lattes and braiding our babies hair, were shattered.

Wunh wunh wunh.

H at the H

2011-08-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

Dada really wants you to go there...

But I'll give you many smooches if you don't. Just to see his face.

This weekend we

2011-08-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Mostly stayed out of the heat. (No Irene'ing in this neck of the country! Nothing but hot hot hot hot sun blazing heat fry an egg roast a dog hot. IS IT FALL YET.) Oh, and celebrated cc's three-four birthday!

And we went out for delicious (maybe the most delicious I've ever tasted?) waffles with friends and had nakie dance parties and left a screaming Harps with a bewildered sitter to go enjoy a Broncos game (yes, I enjoyed it huh?) and ate sushi and watched old Harry Potter and cooked portabello shroom sammies and took quick walks around the 'hood while the sun hid behind too tiny clouds.

And knit. And read MANY many many many books to Harper.

You will not enjoy yourself, woman! You will read this ridiculous word book to me for the 10000th time!

My throat is killing me, dude. And I've set myself up for disaster because now she flipping expects me to read every single word of every single book. I totes forgot to lie about content in the early days and now she just sits and waits patiently until she knows I've finished the whole page. Cute (and yes, I'm sure it's better for her future reading days ahead), but my throat is broken.

I tried to make progress on the wool diaper soaker I'm knitting, but she wasn't having it till she could help, too.

I think you added a few stitches you weren't s'posed to, mumma...

And I was doing so well until...I wasn't anymore. Lost focus and had to rip it all out blergh says Liz Lemon! Guys: Do not mix babies and knitting. No.

But I made up for that domestic fail with other various and sundry tasks that left me feeling semi-spiffed for the week ahead. We've got an open house for Harps lil school (reminder: must buy adorable mini L.L.Bean knapsack!) and I'm hosting playgroup and hopefully I'll fiiiine-ally get to see the "new" Harry P. Hope you had a good one, peeples!

Smush Harper (Not Smush Parker)

2011-08-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

That's all.

A yogurt update (and a cloth diaper one, too)

2011-08-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

So my yogurt! People, I'm not gonna lie. It came out var var good. It's not super thick (tho I'm used to Greek these days so my thickness scale is warped), but I actually really enjoy that about it. It's got tang, but also a deep creamy mellowness (yes, I just wrote that) that can't be found in store bought stuff. And I just love so hard that it was made with milk + a tablespoon of yogurt + a spaghetti jar. It seems magical that it all came together...

Here's how (inspired by this article but in my own words):

1) Find what you want to store your yogurt in first. I recommend a glass mason jar or spaghetti jar or something of this sort. A plastic container could get all melty when you put the hot milk in there.

2) Pour some whole (you can do skim, but please! don't) milk into the container to measure how much you need. The mixture won't shrink or expand really, so how much milk you choose to use is how much yogurt you'll yield. Make sense?

3) Heat up the milk in a saucepan on the stove. Stir it constantly because milk can burn easily. I heated mine up at medium until it started steaming a lot and tiny little bubbles started forming around the sides. Maybe...10 minutes? Don't burn it!

4) Pour it into the jar. Let it sit another 10 minutes or so, until you can semi-comfortably hold your finger in there for 10 seconds. It should be like "Ooo, hot!" but not sending you to the ER.

5) Take a tablespoon of yogurt and put it into a little dish. I used Stonyfield plain, but I'm thinking vanilla or whatever would work fine. What matters most is that it has live cultures. I looked at labels and Stonyfield had 6 different kinds which seemed to be the most? So. Anywho. Mix a little of the hot milk with the tablespoon of yogurt until it's all creamy and blended.

6) Pour it into the jar of milk and stir a bit.

7) Find a warm place to let it hang out. I'm sure there are many different thoughts on this, but I wrapped mine in a towel and placed it under my oven light. (Not in the oven, just like on the stovetop under the light for a little bit of warmth?) I think the warmer it is, the less you need to leave it out. And the tangier you want it, the longer you leave it out. I made mine late-ish at night and wanted to go to sleep, so I left it out for like 9 hours. The article says you can do as little as 3. When I woke up at 6:00 with Harps, I made sure it looked yogurt-like and smelled tart and put it in the fridge. Then when it was cold, I tasted it and did a jig.

That's it, friends! And now I'll just make sure I save a tablespoon of this for my next batch. And on and on and it's a song that never ends, lambchop. I highly recommendy.

Oh and also this is happening:

GOD I love puffy morning face. (And a soft blue wool soaker.)

For a few weeks now, I've been back on the cloth diaper train. I just missed it. And since things (knock on wood) are smoother sailing these days and I have more time to do the crunchy things that complete my heart, I'm making it happen. Less rigidly than before (disposables at night, generally, and when cc's in charge) and a lot more simply. No more stuffed dipes or microfibers that always stunk up my pretty baby. Just a prefold and a cover, voila!

Of course I've found something new to obsess over in the cloth dipe world. WOOL COVERS. They're called soakers and are used in place of plastic (or whatever the hell that material is) covers. I don't really understand how it all works, because it's a piece of fabric absorbing pee what?, but it's so charming and cozy and great. I still use mostly the plastic covers because I wanted to go slowly and buy only 1 soaker, but I have to say...I'm hooked. They only very occasionally need to be washed (they get damp once the prefold is soaked, and then you just dry it out in the sun and somehow it smells fresh again?) and they even have long pant versions so...your diaper cover IS ALSO YOUR OUTFIT?! Somebody stop me, this is killing me.

Okay. I've lost you all at this point, no? I'll leave you now...Harps only napped 30 minutes today and Mama is beat.

Eat yo vegetables

2011-08-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

(Quick story re: why the hell I attached this pic. On my many-times-aforementioned shopping trip to Portland -- hey, I DON'T GET OUT MUCH -- we stumbled upon this crazy artist dude making silk screen tees on the street. I loved them! Espesh this tank that says in the bottom right corner -- I failed to really capture in the pic -- "eat your vegetables" and there's a crazy robot guy with a knife and fork. The artist dude said so proudly: "That's my handwriting!!" and then seemed so embarrassed to charge me 15 dolla for it. Loves.)

On with it.

Did I tell you I'm going (mostly, with some little cheats here and there) veggie? I feel sheepish-ish saying that for some reason...I think because I'm not the kind of vegetarian you think I am. Well, not you exactly. But the general public maybe. Meaning: I don't, inherently, think eating animals is gross or wrong or bad. I've actually tried to convince myself that it is many times, but to no avail. So *shrug* moving on.

So why then? Welp. Because I've done a ton (a ton, a ton) of reading over the past 6 months on health and nutrition and preventative medicine and all that stuff you read when you or a loved one is facing a major medical issue. And one of the basic learnings I came away with is: Eat way less animal protein. Way less. So the Cowan family (including my little lady, tho admittedly the choice isn't hers just yet) is taking it to heart.

Since I'm not ready to give up eggs and dairy (yet, maybe someday? I'll cut down, but no...not those!) it's gots to be the meat for me. It's more complicated than that, of course (the current state of how meat's produced, what going veggie means for our environment) but much more informed and impassioned people have written on this subject quite frequently. I just wanted to put it out there -- that except for some occasional seafood I'mma give up the meat, yo.

It feels weird to admit it aloud, like because I've eaten so much bacon (and steak and pork chops and turkey-hot-dogs-filled-with-cheese) in the past I shouldn't be allowed? Or like I'm supposed to become a crazy animal activist and tattoo crying dogs on my chest? Tho I mean, I've had a sketch of a pitbull for quite some time at the ready, I just haven't found the right tattoo artist...

(Oh also! I'll eat whatev you put in front of me if I'm a guest. Well, probably not elephant, but... Buddhists -- who are often veg -- eat what is offered to them when they're out/about and I really like that method. So if you know me in real life, go about your bi'ness if I'm coming over. Huzzah!)

Kisses and kale chips.

While I sit here waiting for my yogurt to...yogurtify

2011-08-22T19:38:00.000-07:00


2 seconds earlier that rock was in her mouf. (Amazing shirt made by Grammy.	)

That's right, yous guys. I'mma make some yogurt and then eat it. Inspired by...a bunch of different places, I read this article when I wanted to get down and get busy with some cultures. It's been very simple so far. Currently, my creamy concoction (you betta believe I'm using whole milk) is resting in an old spaghetti jar, nestled within some towels under a light. Very scientific. I have high hopes for this latest culinary adventure. Will keep ye posted.

What else? Well, today I got an email from a Parents Day Out program that Harps was off the wait list and into her Ivy of choice. I put her on the list tentatively, not feeling exactly overjoying with readiness about leaving her with strangers, but also knowing I could use a few hours to myself during the week. I honestly thought it'd be months before we were off the list, but uh no.

It's once a week for 4 hours and the whole idea fills me with a confusing mix of overwhelming panic and tentative joy. 4 hours?! To...do stuff? I can't imagine. I've never even left her at a gym nursery to take a yoga class. But then, back to the panic! She's my earth/moon/star/sunshine/lovebucket and I'm a complete nutjob with trust issues. It doesn't help that she's extremely active and adventurous and semi-fearless (I say semi because she doesn't really love men?). The things she's climbing/thinks she can climb make my heart jump into my nose and she loves sprinting and stairs and headstands. How will she be safe without 1:1 attention?! (This isn't a rhetorical question. I need assurance!)

Oh and here's another pic:

(From ze back!)

I said yes to the opening and next week we'll be attending the open house so we can MEET HER TEACHERS WHAT HOLY GOD TEACHERS?! I die. She'll be sad when I leave (not doing so well with the mummy-in-a-different-room thing), but girlfriend l-o-v-e-s other kids and ultimately is an independent ham, so I know she'll end up digging it. But choke gag gasp...will I?!

On my pretty new shoes and letting it be

2011-08-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessing over Bensimon shoes for awhile now. Once I heard/read them described as the "French Converse" (does anyone else feel super corny when they put things in quotes like that?) and I got all drooly because, well...I love both those things. (I worked really hard to dress right when I visited Paris at 18 and felt too proud when a few people asked me directions ha.) But I semi-stressed over their relatively high cost for a canvas shoe. So I kept my eyes peeled for sales and such and was happy when I found one over at Madewell.

Tho alas! The beauts arrived and were just as scrumptious as pictured, but...I'd ordered the wrong size -- and then, by the time I returned them, the next size up was gone. Devastation!

(This story is so interesting, I know.)

Fast forward to my trip to Maine and our little shopping excursion while T babysat the biscuit. After lunch, we got a bit lost and were soon wandering random streets. Mom grew a blister on her heel, I started stressing about getting back to the house late, and we hadn't even hit the shops yet. Frustrated and nearing crabbiness (tragic, considering the delicious mojito we'd just sipped), I felt a small sea breeze and together we noticed a cute little playground to take Harps to later. Deep breath, let's not stress over shopping woes. When suddenly! A cute little boutique popped up on our left, a random location on such a small residential street.

"Let's pop in!"

And first thing I saw? A pair (one pair in the whole store) of olive green Bensimon's size 37. THE size (and type of color) I'd been hunting for aaaaand on major final sale, too. 30 dolla! Cheaper than the Madewell pair!

"Those shoes have been looking for a home for a long time. Couldn't find the right pair of small feet!" says the shop owner.

I snatched them fast -- before some other tiny footed female could enter and whisk them away -- and performed a little jig. The lady understood my weirdness. "I love mine, too."

And now, and now. I wear my little sneaks all around, with stripey dresses and with holey jeans and sometimes with my jammies on our early morning walks. My feet and I? We're feeling a bit more okay with detours these days. (Oui oui.)

Docta docta

2011-08-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

Holy what in the hell does my child hate the doctor.

We went today for her 18 month (how'd that happen?!) well kiddo appointment and, as per usual, it was a complete nightmare. As soon as the nurse starts the measuring/weighing

(sidenote: HJ's in the 83% of height, maintaining her semi-giant-since-birth status. I knew she was tall -- hi, she can't wear 18 month clothes anymore -- even when occasional weirdos at the park will say "oh, is she small?" And I feel irrational fury.)

she loses her everloving MIND. Blood curdling screams, clutching and clawing me, inconsolable sobbing. It's insane. At least this time, he was able to look in her ears and eyes and other parts (because I was pretty aggressive with my efforts) so it was worth the trip (versus last time, when he couldn't even get near her).

Any ideas on this, my frands? Should we try out a female doc instead? Try out a doctor kit at home? Just... wait for her to outgrow it by middle school?

(Oh, also: Awesome moment? As she was freaking out, exorcist style, I tried to sit and comfort her. But I completely missed the chair and fell on my as%...hard. The ped felt so sorry for me he just kind of stuttered and stared and blushed. I win!)

Some confessions

2011-08-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

1) I used to watch much edgier TV. Then...I had Harper. (And some other big life events happened, I s'pose). And my brain got filled with a whole new world of fears and worries and realities. Which = I don't like to spend my escapism time on things that could make me anxious. So I'm pretty much a sitcom junkie now. Modern Family, The Middle, reruns of The New Adventures of Old Christine (dude, I'm sorry but that show is really funny) and on and on. I've always loved old school comedies (Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore Show, Taxi, etc.) but this straight up, regular person viewing feels...so normal?

2) We've barely recycled since moving to Denver. We had valid-ish excuses (having to do with weird pick-up schedules and busted recycling bins), but it wasn't good. We always apologized to Al Gore ("I'm sorry, Al!") when we threw away a cereal box or soda can (I feel genuinely guilty even typing those words, uh blame my childhood), even tho...I'm pretty sure he isn't the earth's spokesperson for recycling? Anywho. We got a brand new, HUGE recycling thing last month and we're back on track. Whew.

3) My baby's clearest two syllable word is Elmo. (P.S. Did you know this guy does Elmo? MIND BLOWN.)

4) Even though I'm a crunchy-ish mom and probably draw my own eye rolls for my paraben fears etc, I gave this uber crunchy mom an evil evil look at the airport yesterday, when she said to her 4-year-old (trying to watch Scooby Doo in the kid's play area) "No no! No! Let's uh...go somewhere else! That's just...weird!" Lady. Get a grip on your life. But best moment was when the girl comes back at her with: "But I love Scooby Doo!" Ohhhhhh the look on her face when she realized her daughter knew a 70's icon. Made my night.

5) I cannot walk away from a Baby Gap sale rack without at least three items.

6) I'm eating veggie lo mein from the container.

7) I can't remember the last time I showered?

8) I let my child climb into and get stuck in this thing while I played Words with Friends:

Buh bye, Maine

2011-08-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Harper's main activity: Pushing her own stroller everywhere, always.

Tonight, my sidekick and I board a plane and head back to the Rockies. Trying to feel unsad about it, but it's hard. Why and how do these weeks go by so fast? Till next time, ocean breeze! We love you.

How come I don't buy face masks like my mom does?

2011-08-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

You know... the tubes of herby clay or cucumbery peels or apricot grittiness? They line her bathroom window and each night I try a different concoction, letting them dry as I watch a Brit mystery and snuggle into my brother's sweats. But I never remember to buy them for home and I don't know whyyyyyy.

Here's a few pics of our (continuing, soon-to-be uncontinuing) week in Maine.

My beach baby bum. She lives for the water and the sand and the waves and the seagulls and the sailboats and the bucket and pail and washed up crab shells. Screams "yay!" over and over and runs in and out of the waves and waaaaaay down the shore without looking back for us once. She'll probably grow up and live on a houseboat.

Goodwill bathing suit. A...little low cut. But also a dollar?

My mom and I snuck out during H's naptime yesterday, leaving my bro T with his niece. We had two hours in downtown Portland before she'd probably wake up (and he was a little nerv about that), so we rushed around. Amazing what you can pack in when you're baby free... I'll post a couple pics of the cutie things I bought, but most important was our lunch and the drink we split. (We're serious lightweights, but they also only had enough fresh mint for one...)

Mojito in a mason jar. Oh yes, ma'am.

This pic is crazy dark, but her hilarious yoda look made me post it. (I actually have more where she's smiling, but those aren't as funny...) My mom's neighb brought this baby backpack over for us and HJ LOVES it. Like, goes over to it on the floor and starts to climb in it. She let me cook scramble eggs while I wore her, which is a plus. Brings me back to my babywearing days, which she stopped letting us do once she could crawl...

We are busy, stop looking.

And here's Harps with her Uncle T, playing a little piano with her feetsies. She loves when he does anything musical with her, melts like a pat of butter in his palm. I think they were playing the Charlie Brown theme here...

(With sugar from a Tony's donut on her face.)

And with that, I head up to my book and my bed and ~~cry myself to sleep my trip's almost over~~ fall asleep. Goodnight, sista.

Here in Maine and loving Maine

2011-08-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

A few minutes to type while I eat my peanut butter toast and soak my toes in the sun. Harper's down the street at the ocean beach with my mom, barely sending me a wave before they headed off. It's a little bittersweet to see my big girl so okay without her mumma...but *crunch crunch* I'm handling it just fine.

I'll try to grab some pics of all her new tricks and routines and craziness. She's gotten super chatty here, a constant commentary of nonsensical mixed with real words, and wouldn't I just love to know what the what she thinks she's saying? She's happy, though, that's for sure.

And how's it already Thursday? Wishing I could slow down time as our week tic tocs along.

Oh hi, also

2011-08-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

If you wanna follow me on the Twitters?

My name is: smushharper

I've had a new account for a few months, but kept it private because I wanted to try out that route. But it was all sorts of random and half-assed and the implied exclusion hurt a few feelings which oy, was not the intention at all. And I feel weird tweeting for 12 people? So come read what I ate for lunch! If you want to. Or don't? Or okay. The end.

Aaaaaaand we're back.

2011-08-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Always with my necklace, guys. Always.

Guys. No real Internets for 12 days or something is basically living like cavemen. Semi traumatized. Tho I sure did read a lot... I'll ponder on that another time.

For now! Thanks so much for all your cc shout outs. Made us both smile. Crazy 6 months around here... Fingers crossed for a bit of a break, mmmkah?

As I said, tomorrow Harps and I are off to Maine for some serious hang time. Ocean, ice cream, guitar, the bizarro Catholic channel I'm so obsessed with. Really looking forward to it, tho we'll miss dadadada back at home. (He'll be watching shows about pickers and auctions and cars and sleeping in a wide open bed minus a major flopper, so he might miss us a little less...)

H and cc packed in some fath/daughter time before their week apart. Here's some outtakes from their oatmeal date, Saturday morning. (Looks like we're making this mums sleeping in thing a traditionnnnn cue Fiddler)...

A little short post

2011-08-05T06:10:00.001-07:00

Asking for a few shout outs to mah man cc...who just finished something major. (And unpretty.)

We're so proud of him and love him so much. xoxo infinity!

(And hey! Monday I head to Maine where they have real Internets! Luxury!!)

Happy weekend, lovahs.

I've been banish-ed from the webz

2011-08-02T21:37:00.001-07:00

By Qwest...aka THE WORST COMPANY EVAR. An account mixup (back from our move in March...?!?!) has us booted with no easy fix. Traumatized.

And I can't even make recent cute pics big on this stinky app. But here's one, nonetheless. (Completely covered in markers and filling up a plastic foot with dirt before dumping it in the dump truck.)

Anywho. All good here, nothing too crazy happening, except I love Greek yogurt now. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later...?

Friday friday fridayyyyy

2011-07-29T06:44:00.001-07:00

Weird week over here, wrapping up... Clay's been gone since Monday and won't be back until tomorrow, my Internets are only working through my stinky phone, and things are definitely Lonesome Town around here.

But it's forced me into starting a new writing project and a shirt repurposing/sewing adventure and lots of reading. And Harps sure is enjoying the extra Elmo I'm allowing...

Here's to a peaceful weekend!

My Internets are busted

2011-07-27T21:01:00.001-07:00

So I can't really post a real post. Tho I'm eternally grateful for fakey phone nets...

A vid.

2011-07-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

A few words on this:

1) Yes, unfortunately I really am that strange.

2) I'm saying "off with your head" while throwing a piece of paper? No idea.

3) This was over a month ago and she already seems so much bigger than this. Heavy sigh.

4) Her hair!!!!!!!!

5) I mostly needed to capture her saying my favorite thing of all time forever and a day. "One more?" with the little hand gesture. Kill me dead I'm dead dying.

In chronological order

2011-07-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, I slept in (joy of joy of joys) while Harps and cc hit up the hoppin early morning Denver scene on a brekky date. (I love how he always takes her out in her jammies.) She ate a big bowl of berries and picked out all the mushrooms in his omelet and I snored.

Now, hopefully only like 3 people from Denver read this and none of them are parents of toddlers? Because I'mma tell you what I've discovered: the Children's Museum on the weekend is superunbusy. It's the perfect thing to do with her when the heat is unbearable and we're still lots of hours away from naptime. Above? That's us in the "Apothecary" asking dad if he'd like some apothecary things.

This last pic is one of my favorites in a long while. Sums up the...weirdness of being a toddler mama. What's happening? We're out to brunch (we really like to eat out OKAY?!) at this veggie place I want to live inside and we've been waiting a long time. And she's beyond hungry and we've already had to take away the crayons (munch munch crunch) and hide the salt/pepper (pour pour pour), but she somehow grabbed the sugar shaker and dumped a bunch out. As I'm cleaning it up, I drop a little on her tongue. She's so into it, and finally happy after many moons of being restless, that I just hold out my hand for her and let her... eat sugar. Mother of the year, guys.

(Oh and my nails? A delicious purple called "I'm a Belieber" because maybe Justin Bieber did something to it? No idea, but I love my nails.)

That was our little weekend, frands. Sweet and simp and now, as we pair up lonely hearts socks and sip herbal teas, coming to a sleepy end.

Summertimes

2011-07-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

Oooo eeee these summer days are long, my friends! And not necessarily in a good way! I kiiiiid I kid. We're actually having quite a bit of what the kids call "fun", but dude -- it takes orchestrating. I alternate between pulling my hair out over her tantrums and impressive constant stubbornness and crying real tears because I love her so and ohmyno she's not my baby anymore and slow down, time, slow dowwwwwwn!

After her nap today, I pulled off her jammies and dipe and handed her a ripe peach out on the back deck. Her little naked self running around and giggling and gurgling and patting her chest "baby baby baby" and the juice dripping down her round belly and the wet kisses... Oh, it was just 100 million percent why I spend all my hours with her face. To live inside those moments and add them to my brain to come back to again and again and again and forever.

Thank you, Veronica Mars (yes, I'm only now watching season 2)

2011-07-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

For:

1) Having THE BEST theme music of all time. And I know and love a lot of themes. It's like, I want to dance and then kick ass and then be awesome at life and then kick more ass and also it somehow perfectly evokes the Southern Cali vibe.

2) Just being incredibly smart and creepy and snarky and emo.

3) For perfectly timing (on ... my DVD playa?) an episode about wanting to get even with another girl for doing something shitty, but rising above it. Because I battled so fiercely with that today. (Hi, girls! You read this blog! Stop talking/emailing shit behind people's backs! What goes around comes around!) And it almost taught me a lesson.

4) Logan and Veronica aka EYE CANDY CENTRAL DOT COM.

I have lost track completely of the days

2011-07-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I wasn't going to blog because I thought it was Saturday? But no, it's Tuesday. Hi, Tuesday! Been nice knowing you.

Moving onnnnn. Remember when I mentioned we succumbed to the pressures of toddler begging back in Steamboat? She desperately desperately desperately wanted these:

Nothing gets between me and my Muppets.

And since I'm technically a Mean Mom and she's not exactly overflowing with toys (and specifically not recognizable, brand-y ones), we (Clay) gave in. She was beyond overjoyed. As in, she kept looking at us and literally saying "thank you thank you thank you" while she hugged and kissed and chatted to them. And now, she sleeps with Grover (and Woof Woof and Lamby) every night and takes Big Bird on walks or to brunch. (He's a major star when we take him out. Most kiddos are toting around Elmo, methinks, so the old school stars get lots of love from the general public.)

So yeah. It's pretty fun to buy your kid stuff when it's not always and they really dig it.

My next apropos of nothing thing is how much I'm loving sun tea these days. I found this glass jug at Goodwill and I fill it with water and 6-8 tea bags (usually just Lipton, since I have an overabundance, but sometimes I put the fancy stuff in) and then let it steep for 2-3 hours on the back, blazing deck. Adding sugar makes it insanely scrumptious, but I'm trying to lower my sweet stuff intake, so not this round. Cool it way down in the fridge, pour it over ice and glug glug glug glug. Perfect antidote to these insane summers.

What else what else? Oh, I have so many delicious books to dive into right now. Three from the lib and a couple from Amazon used and a couple loaned from a friend. I haven't been taking note, really, but I've actually powered thru quite a few reads this year even with all the craziness. And only some of them trashy chick lit! Bravo!

I've been in a mood mood mood these past couple days, so I'm grateful to this little blog for keeping me talking about the happy stuffs. And now, for a cup of chocolate milk and some snuggles.

As the week begins

2011-07-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is what my baby lady looks like when she's sick.

And all that purple? That's what our mystery plant became. Not bad!

Hope you had a nice weekend, people pants. I liked ours: Buncha meals out in our little 'hood with a well-behaved todd, long walks around (and around) the block while H pushes her stroller, sun tea on the back deck with mint from the garden, fresh lettuce dropped off by a neighbor who had extra, eucalyptus salt baths, and sleeping in while my loves had a date.

The week ahead probably won't be a super fun one, but the weekend has properly refreshed me to take it all in stride. And I'll make sure to plan some treats along the way, of course. Here's to rollin with it!

Baaack in the Rocky Rockies

2011-07-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you mightily for all the condensed milk suggestions! Except...now I want to make key lime pie and put it in my coffee and spread it on my toast and make shortbread and little dried fruit candies and. And and. A few extra cans/cases might now be in order.

One of my true, true loves in this world: Crissy Field.

So SF was great. We got away from the blazing Colo sun and hurdled into the cold and wind and fog. We caught up with old friends, ate the food we can't get here (La Boulange! Barney's burgs! Salted caramel ice creams from Bi-Rite!) and took in all the looks/smells/sounds (holy mother, fog horn -- you were out of CONTROL last night) we miss from our perch in this mountain town.

En route to a spaghetti dinner with our boys in the Castro.

We went all super touristy and stayed down at Fisherman's Wharf. Which honestly? Was semi-rad. I loved being away from Union Square (where most hotels are) and smelling the water and hearing the aforementioned fog horn. I loved looking back behind us, up the hill to Pacific Heights and all its mansions lit up at night. And I l-o-v-e-d walking to Trader Joe's. (Not a one in Colo?!?!) So did Harper.

I mean...no words.

Of course, four nights sharing a room with your toddler is less than ideal... And there was a lot of sitting around, silently in the dark, while she napped or slept. So I'm more than okay being back in our own beds and cribs, with my housey and yardy to let her run wild and free (and wild).

But yeah. We miss that place (and its people) (and its foods) sumpin fierce.

xo, SF.