Melinda,
For a long time, you were my hands-down favorite. You did that crazy back-of-the-throat guttural thing, sang songs that taught us how to spell woman, and bravely admitted to never having a boyfriend. But c'mon, lady. You're 29, not 79. Stop singing songs my ancestors would bop to, stop pretending you don't know how good you are, and - not to be mean - but sometimes I get worried about where your neck went?
Jordin,
At first I didn't really notice you or remember what you did each week. You just didn't stand out for me, which is hard to believe since you're roughly three times the size of Seacrest. But lately, it's hard to ignore how good you are (especially for 17) and I tend to enjoy your song choices. Still, don't rest easy. Sometimes you yell at me really loudly and you're kind of a kiss-up. Also - that little heart thing you do with your hands is pretty cute, but it's trademarked. Pay up.
Blake,
Blake. Blake, Blake, Blake. I hate you, I love you, I want to rip your hair off. Why did you dye it black? Who told you this was a good idea? If it was Bon Jovi, you shouldn't turn to him for style advice. That whole beat boxing thing works for you, but do you have to change every song into a dance party? It's either that or you give it the David Bowie/Coldplay/Bono treatment and I squirm uncontrollably. However, you seem to be a genuinely nice person, wear fun sneakers, and I appreciate your affinity for 311, a fact that proved to me you were most definitely a fellow Class of 2000 graduate.
And to all of you: Please make next week a more enjoyable entertainment experience for us all.
I'm feeling restless and looking towards Dancing with the Stars for happiness. Not good.
Love,
A
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