Wednesday, June 25, 2008

who i wanted to be

look what i found on youtube!

my freshman year in college, i wanted to be this girl. she was a senior and one of the best actors in the fine arts school. it's hard to explain just right, but the whole acting program was a strange combo of high school throwback, where the older kids were revered and untouchable, and hollywood, because the seniors were already flying to new york and la, meeting with agents and coming back with sparkly stories and plans and jeans. it all made us want to work harder, eat lesser, look better. in other words, it was very healthy.

but back to her. she had long, wavy blond hair and wore flared black pants and a long black coat embroidered with flowers. (bought in london, my friend whispered.) you know those slow-mo shots at the end of tv show openers, when the leads are walking down the street, their coats billowing behind them? she looked like that all the time.

before christmas break, she was in a play where she wore a corset and they assigned me to be her dresser - the joys of freshman slavery - but i couldn't even deal with my luck. the way i saw it, i might as well have been in the same small room with meryl streep, running to get her water and handing her tissues and asking what it's like to work with dustin hoffman.

after the show, she brought me a bag of candy and a thank you card and i created a shrine to them on my desk. then (in an act that still baffles me) my boyfriend cleaned my room when i was napping and threw away a bunch of stuff without asking me, including her gift. i don't think it's a coincidence our relationship soon collapsed. our complete incompatibility
might have helped, too.

but i digress. i really did heart her and was happy to find this today because wow, she really is good! i always like to discover i was correct in an obsession, not something i can always claim. (constantine maroulis, ahem.)

Monday, June 23, 2008

i know i'm unhealthily obsessed and no one cares, but

i have to get this off my chest.

it makes sense when monk or matlock or magnum run into murder once a week, because they're detectives or lawyers by profession and they signed up for the body toll. what makes less sense to my delicate constitution is why the hell a teacher-turned-mystery-writer keeps running into bloody corpses everywhere she goes. there were 264 episodes of murder she wrote and every episode saw the murder of at least one person. do the math! i did!

mrs. jb fletch originally hung out in maine exclusively, but i guess the producers decided that was getting a little far fetched - all these dead people in the vacation state - so they made her start traveling around to la and nyc and other godless locales of vice and destruction.

i guess this helped some? but no, my god, what if in a span of 12 years, just in your everyday doh dee doh life, you came across 264 dead people? and still remained so jolly? and still wore cheery seersucker kerchiefs and rode a bicycle with blueberries in the basket? wouldn't you feel just the smallest bit depressed about things? if it were me, if i couldn't have a cup of tea in the morning without someone bleeding out on my sneakers, i just don't think i could go on. and while i'm sure this was all supposed to be very inspiring to the elderly, this ballsy old lady taking on criminals left and right, wouldn't it mostly just scare the shit out of you?

there are just so many questions that i have, you see?

when i was five or so,

i was sick with strep throat or bronchitis or one of those things asthmatics living in new england constantly catch. and i was sitting up on the doctor's table, eavesdropping on his discussion with my mom about the medicine i'd have to take. i started to panic because i don't think (to this day) they could make that thick pink "bubble gum" stuff more heinous if they tried. and so i became all fetal position and "no no i don't want to take it now" and the doctor man came over, all comforting, and patted my knee.

"you don't have to take it now!"

relief! mixed with healthy skepticism!

"you just have to take it in the future!"

relief! mixed with utter joy! the future? when people wear silver suits and puffy shoulder pads and eat dip'n dots for breakfast? i was safe!

and then we got home an hour later and my mom (or should we call her judas) whipped out that pink bottle and said oh-so-coyly "it's the fuu-ture!" and godammit if she wasn't right!

this incident, along with the time she made the shoe store man lie to me they were out of white chuck taylors because peach ones stain less, haunts me to this day.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

if you don't like weddings, this isn't for you

as our crate and barrel registry cheerfully, but maybe also a little passive aggressively, reminds us:

it's "only 26 days to the big event!"

now, i've tried to keep away from rabid wedding talk these past 5 months because i've personally always found it a tad obnoxious when people flip their lives upside down and become professional brides. it all seems a touch psychotic and sweaty. and so i've eagerly crafted multiple satirical posts saying things such as:

"i'm in month 4 of no sugar, dairy or carbs and am really close to my goal: dropping 30 pounds! i look and feel amaaaaaaaaazing!!"

"my whole life i've dreamed of creating a fairy tale wedding and now it's finally happening!!!"

"to all my single girlfriends out there, trust me when i say: YOUR PRINCE CHARMING IS OUT THERE TOO!!!!!"

etc etc etc.

but then just as i would be close to pressing publish, i'd chicken out. something about the thought of a potential employer finding this blog and thinking that was actually me talking about me made the real me shudder.

but in all seriousness, and i'll keep it brief, i really am very excited about the big day. we're into the good stuff now - colors, tunes, ties - and i'd have to be a scrooge not to be having fun. plus, i'm marrying the best buddy guy friend around who sings nonsense songs with me all day long and teaches me how to ride a scooter without getting crabby and picks out pencil skirts flawlessly. plus his bum is very cute. i'm lucky to the max. okay! gag!

oh and one more bride thing that's got me all flushed and manic and loving of the internets. my bridesmaid, the fabulous sharon, suggested i check out so all those crafty buggers out there could bid for the chance to design our wedding favors. ah glee modern life! i won't go into the project specifics just yet, but i picked a scissor-wielder and i think she's going to be great. and i promise to behave myself in my new role as client, which in my personal opinion and experience means: a) no whining b) no demanding teen flow tampons.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

i'm not entirely sure why,

but the following commercial fills me with unbridled rage:

in other news:

fingers are crossed for potential very-cool job situation.

we rearranged our living room for the...twelve thousandth time. i fight it tooth and nail, but it always turns out better than the last iteration. plus, i'm closer to the tv now.

i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. the only not-awful thing about this is i'm encouraged (read: forced) to take prescribed anti-anxiety meds. this prevents me instantly striking the fetal position and calling for my mom. you think i'm kidding.

afterwards, i have a date to watch the little mermaid with my same-birthday-gf. we realized this had to happen after spending much of our hawaii vacation serenading our men with "part of your world" from the back of the convertible.

i've taken to eating twizzlers in the middle of the night. this is an old habit i'm not interested in rekindling.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


i do enjoy when the appraiser on antiques roadshow decides a family heirloom is worth 50k, turns to the owner and says "but i know you'd never consider selling it" and the owner looks stricken and guilty and confused because of course they would.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

when motorcycles scream past my window

i turn into:

es comcastico

the great equalizer may be the cable guy.

i'm staring out our window right now, across the street to the huge (and i mean huge) mansion that blocks what should be a stellar view of the bay. and there's comcast's white serial killer van parked out front. and it's been there for hours. trapping an otherwise on-the-town laydee inside on a sunny shiny day.

fistfuls of cash can't buy you good service! diamond toothbrushes won't eliminate pasty bum cracks! joy!

sometimes i get feisty.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

1982 or 1928

right now i'm:

* wearing a sweatsuit
* eating ritz crackers with peanut butter
* drinking milk
* watching the hallmark channel
doing a crossword

and the problem is, i just can't seem to feel bad about it. it's a little bit like my former attempts to become a vegetarian. i've tried and tried to be repulsed by meat (dead! animals! in my stomach! etc), but it just can't be done. hence, the many rows of meat at our fast-approaching bbq nuptials.

so yes, i sit here and try to pre-enact the horror i'd feel if someone busted in right now, interrupting my geriatric couch picnic. but i'm pretty sure i'd just beckon them closer and turn up my hearing aid.

Monday, June 09, 2008

maybe it's the jet lag

i used to take an anti-nausea medication that had a very strange side effect. restless leg syndrome. now, for those of you out there who've said wtf? when they see the twilight zone-y, shrouded-in-mystery rls commercial, wondering what in hell does that possibly mean - take my word for it. it's real.

i don't know what it's like for other people, but for me it felt like my legs would walk off by themselves if i didn't give them a spin. if i didn't walk up and down, back and forth for a very long time, there was no making them happy. they bounced and jumped and shook and otherwise came very much alive, controlled by some demon force quite separate from my brain. it made me more than a little worried.

needless to say, i stopped swallowing those pills. but sometimes i get that same feeling anyways, only it's everywhere and stomping around doesn't really help because turns out you can't walk away from your skin.

Saturday, June 07, 2008


last night in hawaii, friends, and finally got myself some interweb. overlooking massive maui resort from our room's balcony. no doubt this island is easy breezy beautiful cover girl, but after our time in kauai (only 3% commercially developed) it seems a little clogged with people, places, things. high class problem though. i would not throw this place out of bed.

cc and i spent the morning (like, real morning - 7 am) surfing, hanging 10, etc. completely and utterly exhausting, but also huge fun. only could have been improved by waterproof ipod piping in nonstop beach boys. have heinous rash on my legs and tum from constant rubbing against low-quality board; shockingly, hot laptop on my legs is not helping matters...

tomorrow we board a plane back to the bay. i've lived exclusively in floaty dresses and flops for the past seven days and kind of gag at the thought of wrapping a scarf around my throat to get a coffee down the street. ho hum.

but that is in the faraway future! for now, i must attend to a) water slide b) arnold palmer c) correcting tan lines. aloha!