Friday, January 30, 2009

I’m bored on the plane to Texas

and, though medicated (read: tranquilized), still working hard to avoid turbulence-panic. So thought I’d type up a quick story from my acting days. There are many aplenty of these gems, but this one is a personal fav.

My freshman year at college, I studied at the Fine Arts School in the theater department. Now. At some/most colleges, this means you take a few drama classes, a bunch of regular classes, and act in some plays on the weekends. This wasn’t that. This was a conservatory, which meant you did acting crap (Theory, Speech, Movement, Singing, Script Analysis, etc. etc.) all day everyday. And freshman year you were also stage crew for the older students' shows. So classes were 9-5 usually, then you had stage crew - graded as a class - from 7-11. What I'm trying to say is, I did nothing all day.

Anywho.

Second semester, quite sure I would be transferring the hell out of this Twilight Zone, I had a hard time paying attention or taking any of it seriously. This didn’t mean the shit that happened didn’t stab my soft inner sensi flesh; I just pretended it didn’t. My acting teacher for the second half of the year, a semi-elderly black man in his sixties (seventies? fifties? impossible to tell) who wore stained undershirts and sunglasses to class, was…crazy. We'll call him Jim.

In March or so, we started working on scenes (which would be graded as our Final), with partners. My partner was my buddy Matt. Now, I semi-forget the premise of our scene, but I think I played a sexually frustrated wife married to a gay guy. And I think my character buys a French maid’s costume to spice things up, but I come home one day to find him wearing it instead. Er? Is this right, Matt? I usually remember things like this better.

The most important thing to know, though, is that Matt had to pretend to, um, put his hand in my undies. Seeing that Matt was/is a) one of my best friends and b) gay, proved super uncomfortable for both of us. (Did we not read the scene ahead of time? I think we chose it, dumb asses.)

So one afternoon we’re practicing in front of the class. And things aren’t going well. I’m feeling awkward, Matt’s blushing, and I wish we could just move onto the next round of scenes.

Well Jim had this thing he did when he saw you were stalling out, where he’d walk up to you and whisper something in your ear, something no one else could hear. It was supposed to motivate you to get better/funnier/real-er. I wish, I wish I could remember what he said to me, but I do remember what he said to Matt, who told me later.

“Pretend her crotch is a red hot poker.”

Yup.

So after delivering his pearls of wisdom, Jim takes a cross-legged seat on the floor with the rest of the class. Now, it should be noted that my boyfriend was also in this class. Which sucked. First semester we were in different sections and remained blissfully unaware of the other’s daily lives. Not so that spring. It’s difficult to describe the intensity of spending all day with someone in spirit-draining, soul-sucking classes where everyone’s crying about how mean their Dads were and how the kids in sixth grade didn’t invite them to McDonald’s. Then eating dinner together. Then going out or watching a movie together. Then spending the night together, waking up and doing it all over again.

I digress. But remind me to tell you about the day we broke up and I cried actual tears of joy walking to get a hot dog in the park because it was the first time I’d been alone in ten months.

Back to class.

So Boyfriend was there in his tanktop, sitting with everyone else, watching me suffer. And not really throwing me any looks of love or understanding. He was good like that.

A few more painful attempts pass. Suddenly Jim turns to Boyfriend and asks loudly:

“Is she always this frigid in bed?”

Ba-dum ching!

Abrupt ending about to happen, but that's the gist. Turbulence ensuing, plane landing soon, Dallas and wedding and fried foods await me.

Moral of the story? Don't go to acting school. And don't be frigid in bed!

Happy weekend!

4 comments:

  1. and the strangest thing is it's all true. and always makes for a great cocktail party story.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Getting Cheap Ugg Outlet considerable rate UGG Upside Boots, with UGG Boots equally foot with UGG 5918 Sundance Boots shorts or even Cheap UGG Boots pants are fairly fashion UGG Boots sale! uggs inexpensive tips: UGG Boots on sale are ugly acronym UGG Accessories, Unsightly footwear, this UGG Adirondack 5469 Boots particular tiny recognized about UGG 5498 Adirondack Tall Boots this! nationwide UGG Ashur 5760 Boots store boots as UGG 5728 Sundance Limited Edition Chestnut Boots well as UGG Ashur Tall Boots snow is uncommon, pretty numerous UGG Bailey Button Boots mm are utilizing UGG 5592 Brookfield Short Boots the method to be sure that UGG Brookfield Tall Buty Boots abroad purchasers UGG Sunburst Tall 5218 Boots benefiting UGG Broome 5511 Boots from well-known globally UGG Chrysite 5512 Boots brand name UGG Classic Cardy Boots brand name create Uggs

    ReplyDelete
  3. the UGG 5854 Classic Mini Boots actual UGG within the UGG 3060 Classic Mini Kimono Boots web are some affordable UGG Classic Short Boots non-authentic, UGG Swell Tall Bootsrelaxing and cozy UGG 3161 Classic Short Sparkles Boots organic and natural as well as UGG Classic Tall Boots organic and natural to poor UGG 3063 Classic Tall Kimono Boots more. UGG Ultra Tall 5245 Boots Leopard UGG craze this UGG Corinth Boots 5756 period of your time of your UGG Dauphine 5741 Boots energy is actually truly UGG 5750 Desoto Boots fairly receptive UGG Elsey 5596 Boots inexpensive UGG Ultra Short Boots 5225. Light tan UGG Felicity 5450 Boots, brown and darkish tend to be the UGG Fluff 5304 Boots majority of likely UGG 5531 Fox Boots probably the most normal UGG 8686 Fox Hair Boots near to in the direction of UGG 5749 Gaviota Boots the 3 models, the exterior UGG Gissella 5593 Boots layer near to in the direction UGG 5765 Highkoo Boots of the UGG Jimmy Choo Boots genuine UGG 5835 Tassel Boots UGG sheepskin sheepskin UGG Kensington 5678 Boots may soak up wetness UGG Kids Boots considerably UGG 5899 Womens Sheepskin Boots much better UGG Knightsbridge 5119 Boots than 100 % cotton UGG Knit Boots, functions UGG Ultimate Boots, the within UGG 5181 Kona Boots layer had been cashmere UGG Langley Boots cashmere consists of lanolin UGG Liberty 5509 Boots person getting

    ReplyDelete
  4. as well as UGG Mayfaire 5116 Boots protect dermis getting UGG Nightfall 5359 Boots a germicidal effect, and UGG 5597 Boots Oliviya is made of woll pads and UGG Original Sundance 5605 Boots lightweight rubber lone UGG Payton 5654 Boots design, but in add-on to Ugg Peony Boots 5801 produce footwear with terrific UGG 1895 Retro Cargo Boots frost opposition as well as UGG Roseberry Boots 5734 non-slip effect. Uggs and UGG Sandra 5449 Boots exceptional wood UGG 5650 Scuff Romeo Boots design as well as UGG Seline 5595 Boots pattern that permits the UGG Seline Buty Boots actual foot to preserve UGG Sheepskin Boots 1875 temperatures ugg boots UGG 5125 Sheepskin Slippers inexpensive from 25 degrees UGG Shoes Celsius, cozy UGG 5816 Siennar Miller Boots as well as UGG Slippers calming wearing UGG 5733 Suburb Crochet Tall Boots.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.