Tuesday, September 23, 2008

ocd

i've got it and there are certain things that really make it sing.

if i find something i really want to do, and there's a process for making that happen, i become fixated on the details of getting there, making sure every t is crossed and i dotted, box checked and signatured signed. my brain starts to buzz with all the things that could go wrong and i need to double, triple, quadruple check that they don't.

in sixth grade, i went away to an all girls sleepover camp located on an island on (in? on top of?) lake winnipesaukee. my first week there i was so homesick i couldn't see straight. so i made a box of how many days i had left (sound familiar?) and went over and over, during breakfast, during waterskiing, during campfire, the different ways that i might miss my ride home and be stuck on this island (fun and marshmallows! the horror!) forever. i wrote my parents a letter, with a box of copy they had to read, then copy in their own handwriting and return to me promptly. you know, to assure me they understood my terms.

"we will be at the dock on august 18th at exactly 2:00 p.m. we will research how to get to said dock before it is time to leave so that we don't get lost. we will leave the house on time to reach the dock on time and will be ready to pick up our beloved daughter and get her the heck out of hell."

why are you making that face? didn't you write that letter from camp, too?

god bless them for actually honoring my insanity and copying my poem, because once i got that letter back and knew one day i'd be free of these chains, i relaxed and actually enjoyed myself for the last week. but gawd, what a load of wasted energy.

i bring this up because i'm currently trying to re-work my old ways. i'm in the process of applying to something cool, something i'm not ready to chat about just yet, but ow my brain is buzzing hard. so instead of letting it do whatever it wants, i reserve blocks of time for the obsessing and the i dotting. and when the block is over, i drink a cup of tea, read a book, and try to chill the eff out.

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