Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A tale of the squeezies *UPDATED*

I wrote this out in a super long story format, but honestly it was zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


Here's the Reader's Digest version, told in 10 points, of why I'm back in San Francisco:

1) Saturday night, after dinner and during Act One of a regional theater production in Rolla, Missourah, I started getting lots of squeezing in my lower parts. Sometimes people call these contractions.

2.) I start to worry that maybe baby lady doesn't like theater?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

3.) At intermission I tell Steph the Nurse Practioner/Midwife that my uterus is in a vice grip. I chug a bunch of agua and head home with instructions to head to Labor and Delivery if it doesn't slow down.

4.) It doesn't slow down. We swing by the theater, pick up Steph and Jonathan, and head to the ER.

5.) To be clear, I'm not really in pain so much as discomfort. Plus, I really don't want this baby to fall out.

6.) I get admitted, I beg for Steph to come in the room with us and they give in (they will rue the day! I only listen to what she says and not them! muahahha!), Jon hangs in the waiting room:

7.) They hook us up to the monitors. Baby looks great, I'm contracting every 2-3 minutes. Dang. They start me on an IV* of fluids and run some preterm labor tests. We wait and wait.

8.) My cervix is closed and the preterm labor test comes back negative. This = very good news and means it's very unlikely I'll go into labor in the next two weeks. However, I'm still contracting, dangnabit! I want to put a sheet over the stoopid monitor so I can block it out. (Like I did with the washcloth over my IV.)

9.) They give me a shot and a pill (you love the specifics) and my contractions stop. They send me home with a "sometimes women just contract" explanation, more pills to pop, and instructions to take it easy. They also say I should probably head home to SF instead of taking a long road trip followed by a couple flights and lots of activity.

10.) And here we are! I'm bummed to be missing our Texas Thanksgiving (the food! the foooooooood!) and sad that my fun trip was cut short. However! I feel a lot comfier two blocks away from my doctor and a few minutes away from a super big, fancy hospital. I'm checking in with my OB today, but I'm feeling a lot better (only a few squeezes here and there, which is normal). I think this was just a plea from my body to STOP MOVING ALL THE TIME AND FLYING AND NOT EATING ENOUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR DIABETES JUST FEED ME AND SIT DOWN, WOMAN.

So! In summation: We're back by the Bay, taking it easy with tea and Netflix, and feeling good. We really do think all is fine - it's just always better to play it safe with these things. Let's keep this lady cooking, folks!


Just had a quick convo with my OB. She sounded very relaxed and told me she contracted her entire pregnancy; so everything really probably is fine. But she still wants me in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning so we can fully check my cervix length. To which I said: I'm there! Afterward, she'll let me know if there's anything iffy, but she sounded unworried.

7a.) OKAY FINE. I had a leeeeeetle trouble with the IV. OKAY?! I don't like needles. OKAY?! It's hard to explain what happens to me when the needles come out until you SEE it happen to me, but it isn't pretty. I don't just moan, I don't just fret...I pull up my legs into the fetal position, I say 'NO NO NO NO NO NO', I start to hyperventilate, I FREAK THE EFF OUT.

I always let them do it, though, because I cannot DEAL with more than one attempt at insertion. So I made terrible noises and yelled at the nurses, but I stayed still. Toward the end, though, I was approaching FULL FORCE PANIC. It was taking so long to get the thing in, to get some blood drawn, then taped down and oh my sweet baby Jeebus I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I was about to seriously, truly lose it - so I SHUT IT DOWN. Meaning, they (Clay/Steph/nurses) were sure I had passed out and/or died.

I closed my eyes and did this intense, into-the-Zen-zone meditation breathing. I went to a different planet. I don't even know what was going on anymore, I just knew I had to run far far away, Forrest Gump style. And it worked. Not that I recommend approaching full-on DEFCON 500 levels in the first place - but if you do, may I recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn and his breathing techniques? You're welcome.

And sidenote: Since Clay brought all this up in the first place, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Mr. Fella had a tough time during IV Insertion 2009, too. As in - had to sit down NOW or they'da been mopping him up off the floor. THE END.


  1. I think point #7 could probably be a post in of itself... the fact that "They start me on an IV of fluids..." only got 8 words seems a true disservice to the events of the evening...

  2. I was thinking the same thing, Mr. cc.... she is very sly, I tell you. The details she leaves out are so... convenient!

  3. holy moly, you've had an eventful week.

    i'm glad all is well and youre comfy and cozy at home. stay that way!!!!


  4. The fact that 2 nurses, our dear friend Steph, John Cabot Zinn, and I were all required for the IV insertion should probably tell you that its more than 8 words worth.

  5. Wow. Take it easy, A.

  6. Heeheee. OK. I am seriously very glad that you and Ms. Robobay are okay, but hot damn, that picture of Mr. Man reading Cat Fancy in a mask is one of the better things I've said today. Seriously.

    Glad you're okay, seriously. Keep the little blog baby cooking!

    And I go all zen too, not necessarily for needles -- they freak me out a bit but not a LOT, but for other things like nausea and flying or when I'm panicking. I GO ZEN and just breathe. Just breath and don't think.

  7. christie5:28 PM

    Worst part of labor and delivery? The IV. No lie. If you can survive that, you're all set. I average about 5 attempts to get the IV in. With Lib, they even had to get the anesthesiologist to do it.

    But, enough about me. SO SORRY that happened!! Hang in there baby lady! Enjoy the warm, comfy, liquidy goodness for a bit longer, kay?

    Srsly, tho, ask for the anesthesiologist. They can put in a painless IV before you even bat an eye (or raise a fist, or kick someone in the groin).

    Gobble gobble gobble! Happy Turkey Day!

  8. Eek! I'm so glad everything is okay, but yikes, and what a bummer about Thanksgiving. You sure know how to tell a funny ER story, and not in the "maybe in twenty years I'll look back and laugh" kind of way. Look out, David Sedaris.

  9. Thanks everyone who was there to help A, looks like you were all meant to be there. Next IV ask for the fastest IV giver - every hospital has one.

  10. Cindy C4:19 PM

    So sorry to miss seeing you two (three), but we will make it up when granddaughter can come, too. Then you can have all of the goodies from Thanksgiving. Thanks for the update, and I agree with Meredith. Keep good notes...isn't Sadaris's sister an Amy? Happy Thanksgiving. Love, Cindy

  11. Cindy C4:22 PM

    Thanks for all of the update. Sorry you have to miss East Texas; I will miss you and Clay tomorrow, but we will make it up. I also agree with Meredith about being the next Sadaris; keep good notes. Have a great Thanksgiving. Love, Cindy

  12. Cindy third time4:23 PM

    My last comment tonight in the span of two minutes....thought I had erased the first one. Cindy

  13. the same thing happened to me, unfortunately the pre-term labor test came back positive and i have been contracting every day since. have they talked about bed rest yet? my cervix wasn't dilated/changed when it initially happened, but now it's changing, so my bed rest has gotten a little stricter. good luck :) keep that little one in there as long as possible.

  14. Amy! Hopefully your tummy is just giving the babe little hugs every 2 minutes! Take it easy and relax, lady!


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